Disturbed - Part 2

Disturbed - Part 2
Current mood: distraught

As is the case with most of the difficult days of my life, I find myself alone. Which in this case is probably for the best....because save for a few select people who are able to read my thoughts and gage my emotions absent an explanation, I would have no words to adequetly describe what this feels like. I would stutter and stammer, and offer contrived statements like, "It's nothing," or "I'm just tired," or "It was a bad day at work." And none of those statements even come close to reflecting what's going on in my head. Why my brow has been continually furrowed since I drove away from work 2 hours ago....or why my only emotions are feelings of defeat and sadness.

I should be triumphant and satisfied today. I'm handling a high profile sexual perversion case, with multiple victims, and a truly pathological suspect. I interviewed him for the second time today. A two hour match of verbal judo in which I was unequivocablly the winner. I have the facts, and the truth on my side. All he had was.....well, his lies.

I'm good at what I do. I realize that. I know that is why I get these cases, and why my Sgt. thinks I can handle anything. Because my track record in Detectives is good. Confessions and convictions.....that's what I've always gotten. But getting these confessions takes a toll. I don't just talk to people....I believe in them. I sell them hope, and they buy it everytime. I readily accept their lies and their excuses and their version of reality. I buy into it so much and so convincingly, that they actually beleive I am on their side. That I understand them. That I am their friend. They believe that. And they thank me, and they cry on my shoulder, and they beg for my understanding.....and for the time it takes to listen to their web of lies....I give them that.

Often I feel guilty for showing such compassion and understanding to these monsters. Not guilt because I tricked them....but guilt that I actually feel compassion and understanding for them. Everyone I know wants these people dead....these sexual predators. And yet, I feel pity and sadness for them - much more so than hatred and violence. Sure, I want them locked away for the rest of their lives - there is no doubt about that. But I can't muster any emotion towards them other than just general despair at their sickness. They are pathetic. And desperate. And disturbed. And when I speak to them, all I see is their entire lives about to end....courtesy of one of my convictions. I see their families, and their friends - seemingly inncocent people who never even knew the dark side of this person. And I see the far reaching mass destruction and chaos that sexual perversion and predation brings about.

And then I see Matthew.

That poor kid who jumped from the bridge 6 years ago, while I was trying to talk him down. For 45 minutes I stood there face to face pleading with a kid who was so empty inside, that he could find no other solution to his problems. And then I'm reminded of what true anguish looks like, and what hopeless despair really it is. The despair of the victim. And what molestation and sexual victimization must do to ones psyche. And I try to reconcile my feelings of compassion for these monsters, with my feelings of needing vindication for someone like Matt....who must have endured so much, must have endured too much. And yet, there is no reconciling those two emotions. I can not play both sides.....offering salvation while handing out retribution. But I always do. Every time. Not always happily, and not always with exuberance - or filled with pride. But always with the steadfast conviction that what I'm doing is the right thing....and that somewhere down the line, it will make a difference and count for something. I know in my heart that much is true. And still, the reality of what I see on a regular basis takes a heavy toll on my belief in humanity. In my perception of the line between fact and fiction, real and imagined, sinners and saints.

It's funny.....people say that what I'm doing is the "Lords work." But after all I've seen, at the end of the day, all I can wonder is....

What Lord?

I have a new case waiting for me tomorrow. I think a press release just went out. A 39 year old man who forcibly dragged a 5 year old neighbor girl into his apartment and began sexual assaulting her before her Mother interrupted and he fled. He was caught, and is in jail now, waiting for me to interview him first thing in the morning. At which time I have no doubt I will convince him that I am on his side...and that no matter what he tells me, I believe in him and his reasons....and I understand.

And so it will begin again.