Disturbed

Disturbed.
Current mood: crushed

I'm not even sure what to write here - my head is so convoluted with random thoughts and stress it's hard to make a clear point. But let me just say this about my job....

Investigating sex crimes and specifically INTERNET sex crimes is a lot more intense than merely looking at porn online. Yeah sure, I've seen just about all the different kinds of porn out there (don't ask - because no, I'm not a fan)....but I investigate CHILD porn. There is nothing illegal about hardcore porn or bondage, or fetishes or even the nast bestiality and scat vids you see. That stuff is mildly interesting...in fact, to me - it's not interesting at all.

I investigate and track child pornography. Porn that has children. REAL children. I say this, because I am continually amazed at the naivety of individuals (citizens AND police personnel), who always ask "are they REAL kids in the videos or the computer generated kind?" No people.... These are real kids. Sometimes infants, or toddlers, or 8 or 9 year olds. I'm not talking about your 16 year old school tramp who's making videos of herself masturbating and posting it on YouTube. I deal with babies. Young kids who are subjected to the most heinous and unimaginable sexual acts one can think of. You wouldn't even think it's possible for a grown man to have sex with a 1 or 2 year old...but it is. And I've seen it...over and over and over again.

I guess I might be reaching some kind of breaking point with this new case I'm investigating. Because quite frankly, there is so much CP for me to review, that I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it. I can't fathom the depraivity of a man who would seek bondage and torture videos of 3 year olds. Who relishes videos that have audio, so he can hear the victim saying "No daddy....no" as she is forced to do the most disgusting of things to her father. Who writes in his emails the foulest sexual desires - directed towards 6 year old boys. And although this case is large, with International ties - not too many people are lining up to help me. Because quite honestly, every other agency who investigates this filth is just as overwhelmed as I am.

I didn't even really understand what child porn was when I started this assignment a few years ago. I though it was the 14-16 year olds who were maybe being molested by an uncle or something....and aperhaps a few nude pictures were taken of them. My thoughts on it back then remind me of the saying "ignorance is bliss." I wish I didn't know now....what I didn't know then.

But as these cases roll in, one by one, you start to become immersed in the culture of child rapists and pedophiles. It's a sickening feeling. I can't describe it even. When you start to realize how many of these children are out there, and you start to recognize their photos and videos and know their names and series titles. You start to realize how many homes this is occuring in....where children are routinely raped and videotaped for the pleasure of their abuser. The images and videos are haunting.....I can't imagine what these children endure. Although I've seen it on their faces....they are so young....and yet they look like ghosts. Their stare is vacant, and I know (from speaking with sexual abuse victims) that many of them are simply checked out of reality.

I see these videos and images, and the frustration I feel with not being able to locate these kids, to help them, to save them...leaves me feeling like a failure, and totally helpless. Not a position we in law enforcement are used to....and not one that is easy to deal with. I can only think of a few other times in my career that I have felt this alone with regard to work stressers. There's nothing and no one at home to balance this mess with some normalcy.....some understanding. And the sleepless nights and inability to shake what's going on in my head is really taking its toll. Where do you go to find solice when the demons you are running from face you every day you report to work? I just don't know anymore.... I looked at 833 images of CP today, and another 67 CP videos - all in about 3 hours. But there really aren't enough hours in the day for me to try to identify and find these kids.....and lately since I can't stop thinking about them, why even come home? The only comfort is knowing that many of them have either been previously identified, or are adults now and no longer being abused. But then there are the new victims....the new CP series and videos....and where are those kids? I keep looking for them....at work, online, even in faces in the crowds....but so far...nothing.

No one wants to talk about Child Pornogrpahy. No one wants to know what it is, or what it looks like. It's ugly. It's mankind at it's very worst. It's more revolting and unnatural than any other crime out there....and it is the least talked about. People don't talk about it because they don't understand what it is, but I do. Myself and all the other investigators that work these cases...we know what it is, and what it looks like. And how it is the foundation for so many other crimes in society....drug addicts, prostitutes, gang members, thieves, rapists, child molesters.....people that lack that internal moral compass that dictates right from wrong. People that never stood a chance because someone fucked up their heads so badly when they were kids, that for them to have a normal life is next to impossible. So few of the child victims I've dealt with will have normal lives. Most of them will be so screwed up from their experiences that they will never recover. And I can't help them. All I can do is put these monsters in jail for the rest of their lives, and save future victims from enduring the same fate.

Part of me wishes I could show one of these videos to everyone I know...or put it on the news so society realizes how truly tragic and horrific it is. So maybe people will see what it is that is so important about these cases, and what is so terribly wrong with our society. But I don't want to expose anyone to those images either.....images that leave you sleepless and unsettled, with knots in your stomach and chaos in your head, images that make you look at pictures of your own innocent children in a different way...in a bad way. They just had the Las Vegas case on the news, of the 3 year old who was raped and the video of it found in the desert. As horrific as that case is, I know that it still doesn't resonate in most peoples minds....because a normal person just can not picture a 3 year old being raped. You simply can't wrap your mind around that thought or image. I know this, because until I saw it - I couldn't either. Until you see it, it's still remains an abstract idea.....

Unfortunately, it's not abstract for me any longer. My head is filled with things I wish I could purge, but will never be able to. I've seen the worst of humanity.....and it has robbed me of something that I don't think I will ever get back.....faith.