Does anyone ever get the feeling that no matter what you do, you're never going to be good enough for some people? No matter what good things you do in life, or how much you try to be the best you can, there will always be things that fall by the wayside....things that try as you might, you just can't seem to accomplish.
I'm a huge failure in this area. In the area of the small, oft-overlooked things in life. My dishes don't get done, my house is usually chaotic and always needs dusting, I don't walk my dog, I rarely make my bed, I don't service my car every 3,000 miles, and most of the time - I don't even wash my car. I rationalize these oversights as not being a priority in my life. Heck, they have never been a priority to me. I guess at some point 15 or so years ago, when I was commuting and working 50+ hours a week, while trying to raise two kids in diapers all by myself, I came to the conclusion that dirty dishes and unmade beds were the least of my concerns. So I let those things go. And somehow, over the past 15 years, they have ceased to ever become much of a priority to me.
It's interesting to me, how different people view such oversights. How those oversights can bother some people so much, and yet, to others - such as myself - they don't even raise an eyebrow. I guess I've always kind of figured that everyone has their own personal oversights - things they put off doing, or make excuses for. And because of that, I'm not usually one to point those oversights out to others. I figure, hey - people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones - right? Right.
Unfortunately people do throw stones. And lately, all sorts of people have been throwing those proverbial "stones" right at me. From the evil step-mother of my boys, who constantly berates me on her Myspace page and in emails, telling me what a better mother than me she is, to my girlfriends who seemingly find me so self-involved and inconsiderate that they don't even return my calls or emails, to my usually-terrific boyfriend - who can't seem to stop mentioning the fact that I don't do my dishes in a timely manner.
I guess whatever else I'm making a priority in my life, is no justification for my current daily failures. The insane schedule I've kept for the past 3 weeks, the stress over my kids and the child support I can't afford to pay, the burden of having to work overtime on my days off - just so I can pay my bills, the emotional toll of not only my criminal cases, but this damn custody battle....... No, I guess there is still no good reason for me not to get those dishes done, or make my bed, or go to the gym, or give a shit about how I look. I should be superwoman. I guess there's no excuse for me not to handle everything in my life perfectly.....
Except maybe that my life isn't perfect. And since I'd rather write this blog and drink wine than do those damn dishes that are sitting in the sink, I'm thinking my life isn't going to get any more perfect anytime soon.
Fuck it.
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