Rainy days.

Rainy days.
Current mood: lonely

The first real rainy day of the season should have started off better. It had all the makings of a perfect morning - no work, no alarm clock ringing, a comfy bed, good company, very very snuggly....but a 7:15 a.m. call from a DA ruined an ideal morning. Questions on a case, emergency victim relocations, gang threats, search warrants - not the way I wanted to start this day. But here I am. Caught in the midst of the life I've created for myself. Too much work, too many people to please, not enough hours in the day. Full time detective, full time college student, part time mom, sometime friend, often times a total stranger to those I love. So many roles to play......when all I want to do is lay in bed staring out the window at the rain.

It's my Dad's birthday today - which doesn't make things any better. I drove right past the cemetary - didn't even stop. It's been years since I went - even though I drive past it pretty often. Hey - at least I wave - and give him the "hang ten" sign (but it's "shaka" now Dad, no one says "hang ten" anymore..:). Leaving flowers at a cemetary seems silly to me. I doubt my Dad would be offended, I don't recall him ever visiting his dad or Daryl there too often either. Cemetary's are for dead people - not the living. What do you say to a headstone in the rain? I miss you? I wish you were here? Did I turn out OK? I wish you could watch the boys play football - or see me graduate next year. Or meet a guy I'm dating, or walk me down the aisle one day. I wish you cared enough to stay healthy - if not for yourself, than for me. I hate that you gave up. Just what exactly do you say to a headstone in the rain? Nothing that you can't say to the air all around you. And that you don't think to yourself - almost all of the time. I'm sure he knows (knew) all those things anyway. It didn't make a difference.

Thirteen years is a long time - but today, it feels like just yesterday. The last conversation, the last time I saw him - it's so vivid. I have pictures of that day - him and Douglas, sitting on my couch.....looking so happy. He had just fixed a broken leg on my table, and taken my trash out for me (Dad's are great). Douglas was only two and a half at the time, but he let him help hold the tools. It was so sweet. A great moment to be frozen in my memory forever. Funny how life changes so quickly. I remember getting the phone call from his friends at the hospital a few days later. They were playing basketball after work and my dad collapsed.....and then I knew. I was at work at the time - and I just knew. The doctor wouldn't tell me over the phone, told me to get there as soon as possible - but I knew it was too late. You can tell these things - and I wasn't even a cop back then. Some sick feeling in the pit of your stomach tells you, "things are not going to be okay this time."

Funny, I never turn my phone off now - waiting for the next call like that. Will it be my kids, my Mom, my Nana, my brother, one of my friends? It's only a matter of time before it comes. I turned my phone on vibrate the night Jen was in her accident - and had she been killed I would have never forgiven myself for missing the call. Bad news travels fastest via cell phones. I keep it on now, no matter what. Rarely does a call go unanswered on my phone....I'm usually dreading the worst. My Dad was the one that called me and told me about my cousin Daryl's car accident. Over the phone. I was only 19 years old at the time....not ready for something like that, and certainly not ready to hear it that way. How do you tell someone over the phone that someone they love is dead? It's not right. I think I told my Nana about my Dad over the phone too - how horrible. I should apologize for that - 13 years later. But I was in total shock - still at the hospital and 8 months pregnant with my Daryl. Dealing with his horrid ex-girlfriend who wanted his wallet and money asap., with the notifications, all the while avoiding his body because I couldn't bear to see my Dad all blue and intubated. I'd rather remember him the way I last saw him....at the house, with Douglas...fixing my table and hanging out. Yes, death brings out the worst in people. Always. I've had to make death notifications at work a few times. It's heartbreaking. It leaves you so empty, and so void of anything at all to say that might comfort someone. Wait, wait, I'm digressing.....

I don't even want to go to work - don't want to write these papers for school - or start on the search warrants I need to write. It's never enough - there's always more to do....I just want to sit on the couch and watch a movie with my boys - or hear them laughing - or see them smile. I gotta get outta this mood - being alone in the rain is a recipe for disaster. Especially on this day. The boys aren't home till Friday - at which time I will forego any stupid arguments with them, and just tell them how much I love them. Life is too short for stupid fights over stupid things.....what difference does it make if their room is a mess, or they don't brush their teeth enough? Or if they get C's instead of A's and B's.....in the end, it just doesn't matter.

Maybe I'll go for a run in the rain....there's got to be a positive side to it. Hey, at least no one will notice that I'm crying.....:)