The loneliness of clarity.

40.

As the milestone birthday approaches, I find myself at a perplexing crossroads of life; a place that gives me the comfort of hard earned wisdom, and at the same time, leaves me feeling as though I am too clear to ever be a fool again. About anything. The verses of so many previous writings run through my head, tiny snippets and threads of my life thus far, which remind me that I'm no stranger to feeling isolated.

One month, two months, 6 weeks....how long do I give myself with someone before the silence of what we don't say proves to be too much. I've known love, and passion, and true intimacy. So a convenient partnership feels...well, fabricated. And empty, and sad, and disappointing. And not something that I can stomach without feeling like a huge fraud. Feeling like every other person I know who looks longingly at couples in love, and wishes they had that same spark in their eye. Instead of merely passing time, counting time, moving through time....and perhaps even wasting time. On this day, I do not know. Am I wasting time - or is this exactly where I'm supposed to be in life? Questions that clarity make difficult to answer, if only because the answers are hard to take. The reality often times lonelier than I care to admit.