Over exposed.

I'm tired. As I sit here staring at my computer, waiting for the words to come...all I can think is, "I'm tired."

Tired of laying my feelings on the line, only to have them misunderstood, or even worse - ignored. Why do I even blog or journal anymore? I tell myself it's to make a record of my memories and my life....but for whom? I read them from time to time, and they only serve to depress me and make me sad over the state of my emotions. I wonder if anyone ever truly will care enough to want to know THAT much about my feelings and my thoughts....? Highly unlikely.

So these days I just sit....staring at a keyboard, and waiting for some epiphany to let loose the floodgates and allow the words to come. Only it never happens. Which leaves me feeling sad, and empty. And as though everything I ever had to say that was of any importance, any significance, any consequence at all - to ANYONE....has already been said.

And then I wonder; if I have nothing else to say at 41 years old....where exactly do I go from here?

Match.com - 2003 recap.

So I wrote this "dating blog" before I even knew what a blog was – back in 2003. At the time, I'd decided that what I really needed was a boyfriend. And I figured match.com was going to be the solution to that quest. I pretty much jumped in to online dating whole heartedly….since I was off work for 8 months on a bogus IA investigation (that's a whole other story….but don't worry…at least I was getting paid to sit home and be depressed about my impending unemployment).

So basically, I had A LOT of time on my hands….and met these 20 guys in about a 4- month period. It was interesting to say the least. Quite the learning experience to be sure. Online dating is no better or worse than any other form of dating…except it allows for people to misrepresent themselves right off the bat – and lie about their appearance, their jobs, their income, their criminal history…..etc. It's actually a pretty interesting social experiment when you get down to it….one that I'm glad I participated in. But from now on, I think I'm better off meeting people the old fashioned way.

In a bar.

Match Meetings

(and the reason he wasn't what I was looking for…)

1. Benet - The name should have said it all…. About 40 lbs overweight (false advertising photos!). Only went out once. He made me get all dressed up so he could parade me around this snooty Hollywood sushi place. Then he tried to talk military tactics and politics with me – based on his brief stint in the Marines over 10 YEARS AGO. Favorite stupid question… "So, have you ever made any entries with your gun drawn?" (Spoken as if I was a complete paper pusher and had never seen any action at work) - I could have kicked this guy's ass with one hand tied behind my back. WHAT A BOOB. What I learned about Match.com from this date: NEVER go out with someone who has modeling or glamour photos online. There's a reason they had all that touch-up work done…

2. Roy - Nice guy. Moderately good looking. Went out three times to dinner. No hand holding – no kiss. All right conversation – but he did talk an awful lot about the military (again – I think men think that this impresses me for some reason). Major turnoffs – that BRACELET he wore (jewelry on guys is not my thing). And also when he told me about his plan to move all his stock options and evidence of income into a foreign bank to prevent his ex wife from getting any child support from him. Granted, he was paying ALLOT – but come on – that's a little underhanded and unethical if you ask me… Glad I wasn't his ex.

3. James - The kisser. Kissed me on the second meeting (wouldn't have been so horrible except it was at an arcade and both our kids were running around! – very bad timing on his part). Nice guy (I think). Something about him was just off though. Too needy – liked me too much too soon (it would have been different if I was really into him – but he had no reason to like me THAT much). Went out 4 times – but then called it quits. When I knew it wasn't going to work: Date 3 – when he tried to debate with me over how a police officer had violated his civil rights by asking him some questions on a traffic stop. PULLEAZE! I believe his exact words to the cop were… "I haven't broken any laws – so I don't have to answer your questions…" and this guy wonders why the cop treated him like an asshole….

4. Sam - Nice guy. OK looking. Went out twice – I think he wore the same thing both times. Not bad if he looked hot, but his jeans were pretty tight (too tight – plus he wore one of those skin tight black shirts that guys wear to make them look hot and muscular – those are soooo early 90's). He's a fire Chief – so we know some of the same people. No chemistry – no sparks – no kiss - just decent company. However I was a little concerned when he downed 2 glasses of straight up vodka within about 15 minutes on the first date. Another weird point – he corresponds ONLY via email. I've told him to call me – but he only emails. Weird. I don't think he's ever called me. I've never set up dates via email. Something going on there – wouldn't be surprised to find out he had a live in girlfriend or some other weirdness going on. No matter – there was no attraction anyway.

5. Anthony - An LA County deputy sheriff. Enough said. A courtesy date – kind of like a professional networking thing. Just went out the one time. It was painful to sit through lunch with this guy because he had probably the WORST set of teeth I had ever seen. Not to mention he talked about himself the WHOLE time. I don't think he asked me one question about myself. NOT ONE. What I learned about Match.com from this date: NEVER rely on photos where the person has their mouth closed. ALWAYS check for their teeth in the pictures….

6. Kent - Nice guy. Relatively good looking. Good job, nice house. Two kids ( same ages as mine). Nice car. Went out 3 times (still no kiss). BUT THAT FURNITURE! He was only 34 and had his house furnished like my parents house. I was not comfortable in this guys house. His idea of artwork was to have a 10x13 framed picture of himself holding a big mouth bass. And he had several of those floral – cottage in the woods – Robert Kincade – stuff you see only at your grandparents house – paintings in the living room. Very odd. Maybe it was his parents house….. Plus, he had no candles. I can imagine how Unsexy he was in the bedroom…. He had ZERO sex appeal – didn't even make me curious to see what he kissed like. Worst move on his part: Telling me he had this "friend" he had sex with occasionally (just a basic booty call). He assured me their relationship was going nowhere – but because of his sex drive he needed to keep seeing her to get satisfied. I let him know that kind of relationship was fine with me – since he sure as hell wasn't going to be getting any from ME. What I learned: What looks "good on paper" may not always measure up in real life.

7. Scott M - Another cop. Nice guy. Very good phone conversation – very cool. Had an extra ticket to a concert and asked me to go at the last minute - before we had even met. Talked about work the whole time. He was not terribly attractive (again with the "not great teeth") – but a really nice guy, so it was ok. Went to the concert together, and then never went out after that. I think the feeling was mutual – there were no sparks and we pretty much acted like co-workers rather than two people who were on a date. No chemistry – but he's still on my friends and family email list.

8. Stephen - Another cop. Actually a Lt. With CHP. Professional courtesy date 3. Lived very local – so I figured what the hell. NICE guy. Probably too nice for me. Made him seem a little soft…. That sounds bad. He was attractive, nice house, nice car, great job, but again – no chemistry. Felt like I was on a job interview or something…. No kiss – and no second date.

9. Ken - Nice guy. Older (44). Which really isn't old – but he seems older. Kind of reserved and conservative. Pretty good looking, in that "not gorgeous – but with sex appeal" way. Went out like 10 times! But he was very aloof. Didn't even try to kiss me, or hold my hand for that matter, until the 8^th date – so maybe I'm just not his type. Our social classes are probably much too far apart. Oh yes, and he has no kids – so his lifestyle was DRAMATICALLY different than mine – antiques all over his house, cars that cost more than my HOUSE! I couldn't really see it working out (other than having good company once in a while). But very nice guy – still on my friends and family email list. UPDATE: Finally kissed me - on the 8^th date. Not bad, kind of stiff though. But he is still sooo reserved, and has not tried anything but a kiss – even though we've dated for 2 months now. He's very rigid – I can't see him getting wild and ripping my clothes off, or getting all worked up over me (and the feeling is mutual). He's so nice, but yet – the chemistry just doesn't seem to be there. I'll give it a little longer…. But I'm afraid I already know the outcome. Especially with Mike (from 16) in the picture… physically and chemistry wise – there is just no comparison, and the contrast is really obvious. I think I'm just too passionate for him. UPDATE 2: What a hoot – had gotten tickets to go to some event together, then he cancelled at the last minute – saying he had "business" out of town. Unbeknownst to him, my girlfriends were at the same event and spotted him there with some really young looking stripper-type. Very tacky – and very unnecessary. No need to lie, when we weren't even intimate or exclusive…. What I learned from this guy: Wealth and social status does not necessarily equate to having class and good taste.

10. A.J. - Another deputy sheriff. Emailed me because he recognized me from a TV documentary I was on a few years ago (apparently he thought I was hot back then - so he had wanted to meet me). Lived close, good looking, typical cop personality (not really my type usually - but I had been missing work lately so it was nice). Went out once, then back to his house. Nice house, good decor - a little young though. And he was obviously too young (28). Put the moves on me and would not take no for an answer. Apparently thought "no" meant "yes." After repeatedly asking him not to hump my leg - I left. Alright, so I kissed him – but immediately regretted it when he acted like such a horny bastard. Biggest turnoffs: Of course the leg humping, the trying to touch my pink parts on the first date, the late night phone calls to ask me what I was doing (what the hell did he think I was doing at 12:00 a.m.?!?! I was SLEEPING!), and his insistence on telling me how uptight and bitchy I was all the time. He obviously wasn't getting the hint that I was not interested..... hence the bitchiness. What I learned: NO MORE COPS. Having someone who understands my job is not nearly as important as having someone who understands ME. (Eating crow) UPDATE 2008: Okay, so I conceed that 5 years ago he was a bit too cocky and arrogant...but he seems to have grown on me. Not only is he incredibly hot, no longer a cop, and infinitely more charming 5 years later....he is hella cool, and definately a good friend to have (especially if you are going to the Hard Rock in Vegas). Still, we've never sealed the deal...but that's probably because I'm too old for him now, and not a Playboy Playmate...lol....never-the-less, I'm glad I found him (on MySpace of all places!), and he's for sure a cool, cool, guy. And hey - we'll always have that makeout session in Anaheim Hills back in '03...:)

11. Scott L - Nice guy, cute, lives near the beach. Good conversation – no kiss. He works in the movie industry (so, long hours – little social time). His apartment is a bit of a mess though – which is ok if I were to be taking my kids over there to play playstation – but not ok if I want to go get cozy with him…Only went out once, then never planned another date. Odd – we got along well, and I'd probably have given him a reprieve on the messy house – but I guess he wasn't interested…. Wonder what it was I said?

12. Scott M - Cocky. Good looking, but cocky. Has that whole "I'm a fireman – so chicks want me" thing going. Had me go meet him at the fire station – where he made numerous innuendos and sexual remarks about the size of his "rig" and his "ladder". This guy probably gets more ass than a toilet seat. Can pretty much read the writing on the wall here…been there, done that, I'm not impressed. Other than the fact that he's a hot fireman, and has a nice Harley – I see nothing terribly interesting about this guy. Plus, his nose was too big. No second date on the horizon….

13. Nick - The manic guy. Or maybe he was on methamphetamines. What a FREAK. Talked a mile a minute and didn't let me get a word in. Talked the whole time about police officers, and how they have violated his civil liberties, and how they have ego problems. WHAT A TURN ON! This guy was such a freak – I'd have to write 3 pages just to go into how bizarre he was. Needless to say – no second date on the horizon and definately no kiss. Favorite stupid verbal slip: When he was telling me how lucky he felt the last time he got pulled over – because he didn't have any drugs or alcohol in the car. Of course I asked him – "do you usually have drugs and alcohol in your car?!?!?!" I mean for Christ sake – I AM a police officer you dip-shit!

14. Marc - Very cute. Very nice - (but kind of naughty I think). Went out 3 times. Likes candles and art (which mean he's probably good with the ladies). Very endearing accent – from the south. Good sense of humor. Kissed me on the first date! Can't decide if he's too assertive or just profoundly confident. But hey – it was a pretty good kiss, so I didn't complain. Best thing about this guy so far: His taste in furniture and home decorating skills. WOW! – His house has that certain ambience that makes you want to lounge around all day fooling around while you are taking breaks to eat and watch a little TV. Possible problem: This guy looks like someone who gets hit-on allot – and probably likes sex so much that he doesn't turn down many pretty girls…. Not to mention the fact that he copped a major attitude when he found out I wasn't going to put out on the 3^rd date. Haven't heard from him since… oh well…. Que sera sera.

15. Chris - Cute, nice, from the Midwest. Divorced with one little boy. Owns a roofing company. Went out once and he brought along a friend (that was different – but not horrible). Everything was going fine – looking forward to a second date, until he goes and makes a Stupid date move 1: He drinks so much that he ends up getting sloshed by the end of the night. I mean TOTALLY sloshed. And since I was totally sober – it was worse. His cheesy come-ons were really bad. He was smart enough not to try and kiss me – Thank God. But not smart enough to just be quiet and stop acting like a drunk. He called several times the next day – and apologized ( said he was really nervous on the date). He might get a second date – but I'm not sure. UPDATE: He got no second date…..

16. Mike - Wow. I could not have come up with a closer match (looks wise) than this guy. Salt and pepper hair – blue eyes – nice body – great smile – and to boot he's a fireman. I mean really – what are the odds? Went out once so far – had a great time – good conversation – kids in common – seems to good to be true (perhaps he's a lying cheating bastard underneath it all) J Of course I simply HAD to kiss this guy (that could have ruled him out in a heartbeat, a bad kisser = no second date). But darn it – he wasn't a bad kisser. Actually, he was a pretty darn good kisser. Oh shute – this guy is gonna be trouble. I can tell already. He could single handedly end my match.com days…. Oh well, we shall see…. UPDATE: Yeah – I caved…. Slept with him on date 3 and boy was it GREAT. It had been so long I almost forgot what it was like! J What the problem is: He has no desire to have a girlfriend at this point (recently divorced) . He wants no ties, no commitments, NADA – just casual fun. I can certainly provide the casual fun, but not for very long. Good sex or not, I still will eventually want and need more. What a bummer – having a conscience sucks sometimes. FINAL UPDATE: Unfortunately, sex with no other type of relationship just isn't for me. It makes me feel bad – and even though I tell myself we are both getting something out of it (that would be the great sex) – I still don't think it's fair to cheat myself out of the whole enchilada. I want more. Lasted only over a month, still amicable, End of story. L

17. Ken P - OK. So I never even planned on meeting this guy – but I spoke to him once on the phone (his emails were so funny – I felt I should at least decline his offer via phone) and after talking to him for 45 minutes – the next thing I know we had made plans for dinner! The problem is – while he seems to have many of the qualities I want – he's 54 YEARS OLD! A very good looking 54 – very nice body – very well put together – but still, he's 54 YEARS OLD! I mean really – this guy has two kids my age, and is old enough to be my dad… But, I went for dinner – and actually had a good time. He was very nice, VERY charismatic, very charming, better looking in person, extremely attentive, but still… he's 54 YEARS OLD! I don't know that I can get past that age difference. I like the 40 somethings…. But the 50 somethings are a whole other story. He even tried to give me a kiss after he walked me to my car (imagine! He's a 54 YEAR OLD horndog!) – but I respectfully went for the kiss on the cheek UPDATE: Never went out again – he left me a message that was sooooo corny and cheesy it was hysterical. Said something to the effect of "How's Wednesday? Can't wait to put my arms around ya!" – and it was in this "movie phone" kind of voice – like he was a tour guide at Disneyland…. Just really strange. I left him a message declining the Wednesday night offer – and haven't heard from him since.

18. Shannon - My same-name date. Very cute, very nice, fairly local (Newport), works in real estate development. Went to dinner and a movie – but he travels all the time, so not really a feasible boyfriend. Although, I probably would have gone out with him again. But I think he saw the writing on the wall too – since he never called me back. When the date was over – he told me to call him….. ANYWAY….. Plus, he had no kids, and made a comment about when he DID have kids he didn't think they should ever have to work (because he would be wealthy enough that they wouldn't have to). Totally against my beliefs about child rearing…. But then again, I'm not loaded now am I….J

19. Eike - The German guy. Went out once, had a really thick accent, so kind of hard to understand him. Nice, really good looking, but something was not there…I think it was the cultural thing. We just didn't click. Talked about having a second date, but we both used the "my schedule is really busy right now" excuse to put it off indefinitely.

20. Adam - After a two month hiatus from match.com – this is the first guy that emails me when I go back on the site. What a hottie. Totally gorgeous, and works LAPD (I know I said no more cops – but he's TOTALLY gorgeous). Anyway, divorced, two kids, lives in Huntington – so looked pretty plausible. Went out on a first date and got way too drunk ( I was sooooo nervous – what a switch). Ended up practically molesting the poor guy back at my house. Although in my intoxicated state, I knew I should not sleep with him – for some odd reason, breaking out my new pocket rocket seemed like a good idea at the time. What an IDIOT…. I have never in my life been so mortified after a date. Luckily, it didn't seem to bug him too much (go figure). Things got pretty hot and heavy after that, and two weeks into it he was asking about a "paperwork date." I blew off the topic, not because I wasn't interested, but because I was SURE he didn't realize the ramifications of asking for such a thing. I mean, a newly single guy probably doesn't know that getting an AIDS test so you can have unprotected sex automatically means you're in an exclusive relationship. That's just not something you do with a casual partner. So, we dated for a month (pretty frequently), and I got really clingy (like a girlfriend), until I realized he was starting to spend more and more time back on match.com. Red Flag 1: When the super fantastic new guy you are crazy about - is looking at other chicks on match.com – something's not right. So of course, I had the "talk" about seeing other people (did it via email 'cause I'm just too much of a coward to hear the truth in person). Naturally, my fears were confirmed…. Another case of not wanting to be "exclusive" so soon after he's become single. GOD, I HATE DATING! So anyway, my heart is all bruised up again, and it only makes it harder that he is so honest about where he's coming from ('cause an honest guy like that would make such a great boyfriend.) The best thing about this guy, and what I'm sure to miss the most: No, not the sex…. It was all those cute little emails and text messages he sent. Or the prospect of just hanging out together and watching TV (jeez, I sound lame). He was just so sweet and considerate, that it made seeing him so effortless and comfortable. Ok, so the sex was pretty phenomenal too….he was such a FANTASTIC kisser…….Alright, I don't want to think about it anymore -now I'm sad again …. Update: No worries - we ended up staying together for 2 1/2 years, but finally ended it because he just could never grasp the "honesty" concept. Too bad, he had so much potential. After years of dysfuntional back and forth breakups (never again!) I called it quits. He ended up stalking me for a few months, but fortunately he finally got the picture (I hope). In retrospect, I should have dumped this guy within the first few months. Lesson Learned: Always trust your initial instincts – once a liar and a cheater – ALWAYS a liar and a cheater. Eating Crow UPDATE 2: Yeah, yeah, I know....he was a shithead when we were dating....but after all we've been through, after all the old wounds have healed and we've both moved on, I still consider him somewhat of a freind. There's alot to be said for people that really and truly know you....and he's one of the few that does. I hope he learned from our relationship...and I hope he finds happiness with the next one. However, after hearing him talk about the new girls he's dating, and seeing the same old M.O. still in full effect, I doubt he will ever learn. Too bad. But fortunately for me, it's not my heartache anymore....WHEW!

The Bucket List - parts 1&2

It's Christmas, and since the boys were here for a bit my spiritis were noticably lifted. I love those guys so much. It was funny, I was in such a ba-humbug spirit this year - there was no tree, no decorations, no NADA. They were on board with it, since they realize they are old enough now that they're not really into it either. Still, kinda gloomy with no xmas cheer in the house. Anyway, I bought them each one small gift (under $50), but didn't even wrap it up. Before you feel too bad for them - I don't think they have ever bought me a xmas gift, not ever. And since they stopped making gifts in like the 5th grade...I've been giftless (from them) for about 5 years now. It's no surprise, and I've come to expect their greedy selfishness and lack of gratitude. Kids. What are ya gonna do?
So this year, they each got one small gift...and $300 each. But I only gave them the small gift at first...and didn't tell them there was $300 on each of their pillows in their bedroom. So, I give them each the small gift...Doug some headphones, Daryl a docking station for PSP...and they are completely content with them! They didn't ask "is that it?" or anything!! In fact, it was about an hour after they got here that I had to FORCE them to go up to their room and "make their beds." Of course they were thrilled to get the money....but the nice part is...they were just as thrilled without it. Perhaps I should have kept the $600 for myself. LOL. Anyway, I'm happy they can buy whatever they really want now...I think it will be an XBox and a new IPOD for Doug. Their Dad just got them clothes...and while they like clothes...that's not a cool gadgety gift....so I'm happy to have provided the means for their "gadgety" xmas wish.
After a while, I took them to the movies to see "The Bucket List." Too bad, I could have wrote the script for this damn movie - seeing as I wrote my own bucket list back in 1996. I got the suggestion from some article in Cosmo magazine....write down the 50 things you want to do before you die. Well, I'll be damned if I don't still have the list from 11 years ago. It's kind of funny now, the things on my list. But they were written from the perspective of a completely broke single mother of two babies, who was a new cop struggling with the sudden realities of real life. I remember back then not having enough money to pay the phone bill, let alone take a vacation with my kids. I think I was making about $2500 a month (after taxes), paying $800 a month in childcare, $1200 a month in rent, and then food, a car payment, and electricity pretty much tapped me out. It sucked being so poor....but it taught me alot in retrospect. Anyway...here's my old bucket list. I've managed to do about half of them so far...(the ones in bold)....and the rest, well I'll check it again in another 10 years...and see where I'm at.
1. Go to Ireland
2. Have another child
3. Become a Foster parent
4. Join the "Big Sisters" organization
5. Volunteer at a homeless shelter with the kids (done it only w/o the kids so far...gotta get them to go!)
6. Earn my Degree (hopefully done in 09)
7. Become politically aware on U.S. & Foreign policy
8. Take Boxing lessons9. Coach my sons sports team
10. Pay off all my Nana's bills
11. Take the boys and my nephews to Disneyworld (probly too late for that)
12. Go on vacation to the Grand Canyon
13. Go to a Carribean Island (without the kids)
14. Earn the respect of my peers as both a woman and an officer (I doubt I'll ever be able to measure this...but it would be nice)
15. Find out what it's like to really be in love
16. Take a train cross-country
17. Visit Africa
18. Do something to help end racism (hmm...does having non-racist mixed kids help? I'm gonna say yes.)
19. Own my own horse (this was before I realized I'm allergic to horses..lol)
20. Walk on a beach at sunset with the guy from 1521. See my boys get married
22. Take philosophy classes
23. Write a book
24. Get married (funny how far down the list this was...lol)
25. Help someone when no one else would
26. Own my own home
27. Throw a huge party for all my friends (this will probly be my funeral!)
28. Have an orgasm (AHAHAHAHA - that's a funny one.)
29. See my kids graduate from college
30. Hold my grandchildren
31. Have a portrait of me and the boys painted
32. Go to a spa
33. Own a beautiful silk robe
34. Spend a romantic weekend in the mountains
35. Forgive people for their shortcomings and misdeeds (I try everday)
36. Write my memoirs from life within LAPD (that was a real eye-opener)
37. Get a boob job (AHAHAHAHA - another good one)
38. Make a will
39. Take up running
40. Become more spiritual
41. Read the Bible
42. Teach my boys how to play basketball43. Take the boys to a Chicago Bulls game (they used to LOVE Jordan)
44. Take the boys to a museum of art & history
45. Take up Aerobics (Tae-Bo)
46. Take my boys and nephew to a circus
47. Learn to speak fluent Spanish
48. Teach my boys (and learn myself) about Kwanza
49. Find peace within myself
50. Go on a shopping spree!
Starting on a new "Bucket list".....little by little I'll add to it when I think of something worthwhile.
1. Get serious about working out and get my ass in shape
2. Do the yoga thing...seriously
3. Visit New England in the Fall
4. Take the boys to China
5. Take the boys on a cruise to Alaska
6. Hike the Grand Canyon
7. Make amends with my family
8. Organize all my photos and writings into one comprehensive computer file
9. See father Salazar arrested and convicted...or dead.
10. Visit Washington DC, see police memorial & other monuments
c. December 25, 2007

I must be some kind of "brainwashed by the media" hopeless romantic I think. Because it seems that my entire life I've been taught by movies, videos, books, and television - that men actually CAN be romantic. That they DO stare longingly at women and say wonderful sweet things that fill your heart with love and happiness. I've always believed that those guys are out there - somewhere. I just have never been lucky enough to end up with one. Unfortunately, I have dated a few men like that - it didn't work out for different reasons - but at the very least they helped to further instill that belief in me that those types of mushy, sentimental, romantic men DID exist. If only to be marred by other flaws that made them unsuitable for long term relationships.

But here I am now...dating someone new. Someone that I love - and who I love for what I think is all the right reasons - yet he is so absent any romantic gestures that at times it's like he's a robot. Not ALL the time of course, but he is so structured, and rigid, and practical - and nothing at all like me. I'm trying to reconcile my hopeless belief in romance and passion - with the fact that maybe it's all a farce after all. Maybe men aren't like that - and all this time I've been waiting for something or someone that doesn't even exist.

I don't know anymore. And the realization that love may not be at all what I thought it was - breaks my heart.

Hush.

I wrote this many years ago, as I did most of my poems and journals. Hard to find the words these days, to write anything that I haven't already expressed. I've had more than my share of heartaches; courtesy of death, love, abandonment, guilt, never feeling quite good enough for whoever I was trying to impress. That these days, most of my thoughts swim in circles, already having been given a voice by writings of my past. I feel mute at times, as though anything more I could say would be utterly redundant and interpreted as stupid. Oddly enough, this one poem captures for me the very essence of me...and how I love. It is the only writing which I've always hesitated to share with anyone, even friends. Because it lays bare the woman that I see when I look in the mirror ~ no restraint, no pride, no....nothing....save raw emotion, and a heart that loves so completely and without concern for itself that it leads me to ruin over and over again.


I share it now, only because I realize now that it may not mean as much as I always thought it did. Love....it comes and goes....fleeting, and transient. And never proving worth the tears and soul that I always pour into it.

My heart bleeds emotion....and yet, it seems all for not.





Hush now,

Speak not of things which are better left unsaid
things which are only understood when spoken in the darkness
when the silence falls around us, and my breath is the only sound on your ears
whisper then, for I will understand the words
Hopeless and empty though they may seem should you speak them in the daylight
yet in the stillness and the blackness of the night -
Your words feel to me like a million gentle kisses
filling my heart and daring me to dream...
Oh, but I would stay asleep forever if only I could dream this dream of you

Hush now,
For sometimes there are no words worth saying.
If I could find the words that would tell,
that would describe all that I felt -
I would write them down and call myself a poet...
But there are none beautiful or meaningful enough
My words would fall empty
and never come close to telling of my heart, and how it fills with emotions when I look at you.

No, hush now...
For your arms around me, your hand on my cheek,
and your face pressed against my hair -
says more than you could ever say with words alone...
Hold me closely
so that I may feel the beating of your heart
...and imagine that it beats only for me
That no one else would ever know this closeness with you -
and that should you hold another,
your heart would not beat so loudly as it does when I am in your arms...

Hold me to you -
for in this moment I am all that I would ever want to be -
and though I can not find the words,
when I look at you – in the darkness
in the silence of our breath and the stillness of the night
words would not be needed...
For you have only to look at me
and you will know my heart.

Verses of my life...part 1.

It takes but one broken heart to turn a lovers futile words into poetry. I myself, have endured more than one heartbreak, though that makes me no more or better a poet than the next foolish romantic. To have a heart so willing and able to love....and so absent the love of another....has to be the heaviest cross I have bared throughout my entire life. I wonder is it better to feel nothing at all?

______________________

Take me with you
to that place you go
Where no one visits
and few have known
A place of secrets
and chosen cares
A world inside you
that no one shares
Your heart so guarded
like a fortress it seems
You let no one get closer
give no one the key
I see what awaits me
and like a fool I still try
This solitary man
does no wrong in my eyes
I long for his tough
to glimpse what lies inside
I fight indecision
I swallow my pride
Yet all that I do
and all that I say
Means nothing to him
for he's happy this way

But still my heart aches
for this man that can't give
Who refuses to love
yet still thinks he lives
I wish he would take me
to that place that he hides
Wish I was special enough
that he would let me inside
But the truth is unkind
and things aren't what they seem
Reality strikes -
and destroys all my dreams
For the passion I felt
and the heart that I shared
Was given all to a man
who in turn, never cared...

Space

I'm giving him "space" - whatever that is....

So he won't feel the pressure of my need
the urgency of my want
won't have to check in -
or leave me with his itinerary -
No, I'm giving him "space"
so he can come and go as he pleases
walking in and out of my life
as randomly as he wants
here one day - gone the next
leaving his impression, his scent, his feel...
hanging on me

I can not shed his presence
in his absence he remains
- consuming my thoughts
- this flame still burning
and yet, I give him "space"
..to simplify the means
take it slow, options opens
...to control the game

All the while I spend wondering
where are and what he could be doing -
while I replay our moments...
over and over, in my mind

longing for his call,
a sign
anything to say I've finally crossed his mind...
waiting, without patience
as I afford too much
sitting lonely in my room
with nothing but thoughts of him...
and the memories of his touch
...that grip my heart
and stir my spirit -
there is no escape from him
everywhere I turn
- he is in my space.