I'm reminded of how much I used to write. Poetry, journal entries, letters. And yet....I don't think I've written anything terribly poignant in many years. I feel saddened that my life has become so hectic and matter-of-fact, so seemingly routine....that I have lost the ability to convey my emotions with lyrical and thoughtful words. I just dug out an old notebook and was surpirsed by my own thoughts and poems I had forgotten were ever even put to paper. And I'm suddenly struck by the fact that it may very well be better to be tragically passionate and vulnerable, than to be painfully in control and safe.
So here are a few of my past efforts in describing what it's like to be in a relationship that is obviously going nowhere....but not getting there fast enough. Dating someone who lies and cheats is a big bummer - especially with all the mind trip bullshit you have to deal with. Thank god I'm not the same person I was a few years ago....
Oh, and I thought I'd throw in a recent mind-dump and the police prose...just to show you that I don't always write about screwed up relationships...:)
2003
and so I find myself here - in the familiar territory of the past - over run with ghosts who are reminders - that love, it never lasts...
I feel the threat of heartache looming - the fear of failure once again - my belly aches with indecision - torn by suspicions that will not mend...
my mind reels with this reality - that I wish could be ignored - justification would be sweet mercy - but I can not muster it, anymore...
this place - I know it well - I wrote the writing on the wall - always hopeful in the beginning - only to suffer throughout the fall...
too many times I've travelled here - vowing each journey would be my last - too many times I've been destroyed - by lessons learned throughout the past...
so now I see the markings - I see the signs that lye ahead - slight deceptions, almost innocent - though they raise the flags bright red...
I stand along this roadside - of lilfe, which has no map - this road that leads me in a circle - and always brings me back...
A fool will live each moment - unaware of consequence - but I can be a fool no more - so love falls prey to common sense.
2004
Wrapped in indecision
And suffering my pride
Love slips between my fingertips
Falls limply at my side
Fools dreams - that are now memory
A solitary life
A hope that went unanswered
For wrongs I cannot right
Though optimism beckons
A cry for faith in loves sweet ways
This longing goes unrequited
For the price – I can not pay
A heart that goes unnoticed
A soul that bares its pain
Still lingering in sorrow
Still weeping – yet in vain
So I shall bear this burden
Of loss and of regret
Alone my heart will mourn again
This truth and consequence…
Maybe is so far away
It's a ghost that haunts my heart
Maybe keeps me holding on
Keeps me wishing on a star
Maybe makes me lose my pride
It makes me gravel at your feet
It makes me think that one day you will see
That you could fall in love with me…
A thousand times I tell myself
This love it has no chance
The lies, regret, the loss of you
Is more than happenstance…
But this soul that weeps
That knows no peace
Is still foolish enough to believe
In forgiveness and in salvation
In the hope that one day
Maybe.
2007
chaos in my head
once silenced gears
that persist and grind
through hollow tears
those demons had died
- or so repressednow awakened and stirring
in this man-made mess
of confusion and thoughts
again I fill with this dread
unnerved by the questions
that creep into my head
futility at hand
but addiction stands fast
scattered thoughts feel like madness
- clinging ghosts from my past.
once silenced gears
that persist and grind
through hollow tears
those demons had died
- or so repressednow awakened and stirring
in this man-made mess
of confusion and thoughts
again I fill with this dread
unnerved by the questions
that creep into my head
futility at hand
but addiction stands fast
scattered thoughts feel like madness
- clinging ghosts from my past.
2003
How do you stay normal?
When you see the things we see
How does your life move forward?
With such visions of tragedy
The armor we wear it shields us
From the threat of physical pain
But our hearts go unprotected
Filled with countless victims names
How do we pull it off?
This act – so hard to follow
How do spend each day
So uncertain of tomorrow
With a shield and a gun
I play the heroes part
But a career full of heartaches
Can break even a hero's heart
How do I put this uniform on?
Its one leg at a time…
As I pray every shift
I can save someone
And victory might one day be mine.
2002
This wounded soul
Has seen too much
It's broken and bruised
It's cold to the touch
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This empty shell
Is home to despair
Where once there was meaning
It now just lies bare…
How many times can I lose myself
Before all hope is gone
How many times can I fail myself
Just to sing this tragic song…
This life is a circus
A game I can't win
I'm lost and alone
I'm dead from within
This heart that's so battered
This soul that's so torn
I'm broken, I'm beaten
Yet still, I go on….
c. November 4, 2007
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