Letting it go....

Current mood: Disheartened & Lost.

I guess I've always been this way, but lately it feels more and more like I'm the queen of "letting it go." No matter how hurtful the betrayal, how deep the insult, how callous the sentiment, how bad the heartbreak, how obvious the inconsideration or disregard for my feelings - I'm always inclined to turn the other cheek and just "let it go." Sure, I can be insensitive sometimes, some people would even say downright selfish. But my thoughtlessness has always been just that.....thoughtless. Never intended, never pre-meditated or thought out in advance....never anything more than just going too many directions at one time, and overlooking how my actions might affect those around me. Even if I may seem insensitive or selfish at times...it's never been my intention. Ever. Which is why it's so hurtful to me when those I love go about planning things that they know are going to hurt me. And never even bother to give any indication as to what's going on in their head, right under your nose....and behind your back.
It's water under the bridge, it's in the past, they didn't mean it, that's life, shit happens, I probably deserved that, it's my fault, this will blow over.....All too common expressions in my vocabulary it seems. Trite expressions that never fully wipe away the hurt and the heartache that is caused when someone you love overlooks your feelings and justifies their actions with whatever excuse or explanation suits them. And while I could try to discuss these issues with the people I love, I choose to minimize and dismiss my own feelings - so as not to put anyone on the spot, or cause them anymore discomfort than I already have. My hurt feelings are never as important to me as they should be....or very important to anyone else it would seem.
Maybe I do deserve some of what's been thrust upon me in the past year. Maybe I do deserve to be rejected by those people closest to me. Forget about the all-too-common callousness my own children wreak upon me. They're just kids (so I keep telling myself.) Forget about the dissapointment I hear in my mothers voice when I speak to her. We've never been very close (so I keep telling myself). But even my closest friends and confidants have no qualms about trashing me, and trampling all over my heart. Excluding me...or even worse, actually uninviting me - from everything from weddings, to holidays, to concerts, to birthdays, to the birth of a child. How bad a person must I be to garner such treatment? Or maybe everyone just takes for granted that I've always been willing and able to just blow this kind of stuff off.
Maybe it is partially my fault. Maybe I need to look in the mirror and figure out what I'm doing wrong. Why I'm always the scapegoat and the fall guy for every bad event and misinterpretation. Maybe it is just me. But I doubt it. And at what point do I say enough? Enough of always forgiving, and understanding, and quietly turning the other cheek and accepting these hurtful slights as they come my way. Enough of putting my feelings - my thought out, well intended, raw feelings, aside. At what point do I start holding those I love accountable for the pain they cause me? The way they always seem to have no problem holding me accountable. I just don't know. It always seems so much easier to simply let it go, or to take the blame for whatever goes wrong.
But these days, the more I turn the other cheek and try to just "let it go" - the more it feels like what I'm really doing is letting them go. Though I wonder if those people even notice, or care. Life moves forward I guess, people change, priorities change, the dynamics of relationships change. That's all very common. Such is life I suppose. But after years of constantly changing dynamics within my inner circle, I understand that recognizing and accepting these changes with careful consideration for those you love is a far better way of coping than pointing fingers, placing blame, and becoming exclusive.
c. September 3, 2008