Having kids

Here is the thing, if you read the other blog I wrote today, you'll know that I had some friends over this morning for b-fast. That got me to wondering about my kids (you can't see the leap in my thought process, but I assure you it all makes sense to me). Well, my good friends know me pretty well (I think). So they are probably not too concerned about my constant complaining about my kids and their disrespectful behavior (UGH - TEENAGERS). But it occurred to me that maybe some people wonder what kind of Mom I am - who's kids don't even live with her anymore, and who complains about them so much. Which got me to thinking about kids, and having them, and loving them, and all that kind of stuff.
And here's the deal with having kids (for those of you who don't have any yet):
Having kids is the most amazing thing in the world. You really can't describe the feeling of love that goes with it. It's not like a being super super in love with someone. It's very different. Kids are forever. Kids can act like total assholes, and say the meanest, cruelest, most low-blow stuff to you - and yet you would still throw yourself in front of a train if it meant saving them. I used to worry that if something happened to one of my boys - I would kill myself before living a life without them in it. I've always thought having two was a good thing, because if something happened to one, I'd have the other - to give me a reason to stay alive. But even then, if something happened to one of them - I would be so inconsolable - that I still can't imagine waking up every day without them on this earth. It's a scary feeling sometimes. Even when you don't see them - when they grow up and move away - you know they are there - they are doing their thing, and they are somewhere. They are alright, and living their life. Parents are supposed to die before their kids, that's the natural way. I think kids can't possibly love their parents as much as we love them - it's not the way it works. Their happiness is more important than our own - that's just the way being a parent is.
So while my boys make me crazy, and act like jerks sometimes (lately a lot of the time). There is still nothing on this earth that can give me as much happiness, as much satisfaction, and as much peace of mind - as being their Mom. One day we will be friends again, I hope. And one day - when they have kids of their own, they will realize what it feels like to care this much, and to have a heart so full of love that it aches every time they pull away from you....
c. July 29, 2007