The Bucket List - parts 1&2

It's Christmas, and since the boys were here for a bit my spiritis were noticably lifted. I love those guys so much. It was funny, I was in such a ba-humbug spirit this year - there was no tree, no decorations, no NADA. They were on board with it, since they realize they are old enough now that they're not really into it either. Still, kinda gloomy with no xmas cheer in the house. Anyway, I bought them each one small gift (under $50), but didn't even wrap it up. Before you feel too bad for them - I don't think they have ever bought me a xmas gift, not ever. And since they stopped making gifts in like the 5th grade...I've been giftless (from them) for about 5 years now. It's no surprise, and I've come to expect their greedy selfishness and lack of gratitude. Kids. What are ya gonna do?
So this year, they each got one small gift...and $300 each. But I only gave them the small gift at first...and didn't tell them there was $300 on each of their pillows in their bedroom. So, I give them each the small gift...Doug some headphones, Daryl a docking station for PSP...and they are completely content with them! They didn't ask "is that it?" or anything!! In fact, it was about an hour after they got here that I had to FORCE them to go up to their room and "make their beds." Of course they were thrilled to get the money....but the nice part is...they were just as thrilled without it. Perhaps I should have kept the $600 for myself. LOL. Anyway, I'm happy they can buy whatever they really want now...I think it will be an XBox and a new IPOD for Doug. Their Dad just got them clothes...and while they like clothes...that's not a cool gadgety gift....so I'm happy to have provided the means for their "gadgety" xmas wish.
After a while, I took them to the movies to see "The Bucket List." Too bad, I could have wrote the script for this damn movie - seeing as I wrote my own bucket list back in 1996. I got the suggestion from some article in Cosmo magazine....write down the 50 things you want to do before you die. Well, I'll be damned if I don't still have the list from 11 years ago. It's kind of funny now, the things on my list. But they were written from the perspective of a completely broke single mother of two babies, who was a new cop struggling with the sudden realities of real life. I remember back then not having enough money to pay the phone bill, let alone take a vacation with my kids. I think I was making about $2500 a month (after taxes), paying $800 a month in childcare, $1200 a month in rent, and then food, a car payment, and electricity pretty much tapped me out. It sucked being so poor....but it taught me alot in retrospect. Anyway...here's my old bucket list. I've managed to do about half of them so far...(the ones in bold)....and the rest, well I'll check it again in another 10 years...and see where I'm at.
1. Go to Ireland
2. Have another child
3. Become a Foster parent
4. Join the "Big Sisters" organization
5. Volunteer at a homeless shelter with the kids (done it only w/o the kids so far...gotta get them to go!)
6. Earn my Degree (hopefully done in 09)
7. Become politically aware on U.S. & Foreign policy
8. Take Boxing lessons9. Coach my sons sports team
10. Pay off all my Nana's bills
11. Take the boys and my nephews to Disneyworld (probly too late for that)
12. Go on vacation to the Grand Canyon
13. Go to a Carribean Island (without the kids)
14. Earn the respect of my peers as both a woman and an officer (I doubt I'll ever be able to measure this...but it would be nice)
15. Find out what it's like to really be in love
16. Take a train cross-country
17. Visit Africa
18. Do something to help end racism (hmm...does having non-racist mixed kids help? I'm gonna say yes.)
19. Own my own horse (this was before I realized I'm allergic to horses..lol)
20. Walk on a beach at sunset with the guy from 1521. See my boys get married
22. Take philosophy classes
23. Write a book
24. Get married (funny how far down the list this was...lol)
25. Help someone when no one else would
26. Own my own home
27. Throw a huge party for all my friends (this will probly be my funeral!)
28. Have an orgasm (AHAHAHAHA - that's a funny one.)
29. See my kids graduate from college
30. Hold my grandchildren
31. Have a portrait of me and the boys painted
32. Go to a spa
33. Own a beautiful silk robe
34. Spend a romantic weekend in the mountains
35. Forgive people for their shortcomings and misdeeds (I try everday)
36. Write my memoirs from life within LAPD (that was a real eye-opener)
37. Get a boob job (AHAHAHAHA - another good one)
38. Make a will
39. Take up running
40. Become more spiritual
41. Read the Bible
42. Teach my boys how to play basketball43. Take the boys to a Chicago Bulls game (they used to LOVE Jordan)
44. Take the boys to a museum of art & history
45. Take up Aerobics (Tae-Bo)
46. Take my boys and nephew to a circus
47. Learn to speak fluent Spanish
48. Teach my boys (and learn myself) about Kwanza
49. Find peace within myself
50. Go on a shopping spree!
Starting on a new "Bucket list".....little by little I'll add to it when I think of something worthwhile.
1. Get serious about working out and get my ass in shape
2. Do the yoga thing...seriously
3. Visit New England in the Fall
4. Take the boys to China
5. Take the boys on a cruise to Alaska
6. Hike the Grand Canyon
7. Make amends with my family
8. Organize all my photos and writings into one comprehensive computer file
9. See father Salazar arrested and convicted...or dead.
10. Visit Washington DC, see police memorial & other monuments
c. December 25, 2007

I must be some kind of "brainwashed by the media" hopeless romantic I think. Because it seems that my entire life I've been taught by movies, videos, books, and television - that men actually CAN be romantic. That they DO stare longingly at women and say wonderful sweet things that fill your heart with love and happiness. I've always believed that those guys are out there - somewhere. I just have never been lucky enough to end up with one. Unfortunately, I have dated a few men like that - it didn't work out for different reasons - but at the very least they helped to further instill that belief in me that those types of mushy, sentimental, romantic men DID exist. If only to be marred by other flaws that made them unsuitable for long term relationships.

But here I am now...dating someone new. Someone that I love - and who I love for what I think is all the right reasons - yet he is so absent any romantic gestures that at times it's like he's a robot. Not ALL the time of course, but he is so structured, and rigid, and practical - and nothing at all like me. I'm trying to reconcile my hopeless belief in romance and passion - with the fact that maybe it's all a farce after all. Maybe men aren't like that - and all this time I've been waiting for something or someone that doesn't even exist.

I don't know anymore. And the realization that love may not be at all what I thought it was - breaks my heart.

Hush.

I wrote this many years ago, as I did most of my poems and journals. Hard to find the words these days, to write anything that I haven't already expressed. I've had more than my share of heartaches; courtesy of death, love, abandonment, guilt, never feeling quite good enough for whoever I was trying to impress. That these days, most of my thoughts swim in circles, already having been given a voice by writings of my past. I feel mute at times, as though anything more I could say would be utterly redundant and interpreted as stupid. Oddly enough, this one poem captures for me the very essence of me...and how I love. It is the only writing which I've always hesitated to share with anyone, even friends. Because it lays bare the woman that I see when I look in the mirror ~ no restraint, no pride, no....nothing....save raw emotion, and a heart that loves so completely and without concern for itself that it leads me to ruin over and over again.


I share it now, only because I realize now that it may not mean as much as I always thought it did. Love....it comes and goes....fleeting, and transient. And never proving worth the tears and soul that I always pour into it.

My heart bleeds emotion....and yet, it seems all for not.





Hush now,

Speak not of things which are better left unsaid
things which are only understood when spoken in the darkness
when the silence falls around us, and my breath is the only sound on your ears
whisper then, for I will understand the words
Hopeless and empty though they may seem should you speak them in the daylight
yet in the stillness and the blackness of the night -
Your words feel to me like a million gentle kisses
filling my heart and daring me to dream...
Oh, but I would stay asleep forever if only I could dream this dream of you

Hush now,
For sometimes there are no words worth saying.
If I could find the words that would tell,
that would describe all that I felt -
I would write them down and call myself a poet...
But there are none beautiful or meaningful enough
My words would fall empty
and never come close to telling of my heart, and how it fills with emotions when I look at you.

No, hush now...
For your arms around me, your hand on my cheek,
and your face pressed against my hair -
says more than you could ever say with words alone...
Hold me closely
so that I may feel the beating of your heart
...and imagine that it beats only for me
That no one else would ever know this closeness with you -
and that should you hold another,
your heart would not beat so loudly as it does when I am in your arms...

Hold me to you -
for in this moment I am all that I would ever want to be -
and though I can not find the words,
when I look at you – in the darkness
in the silence of our breath and the stillness of the night
words would not be needed...
For you have only to look at me
and you will know my heart.

Verses of my life...part 1.

It takes but one broken heart to turn a lovers futile words into poetry. I myself, have endured more than one heartbreak, though that makes me no more or better a poet than the next foolish romantic. To have a heart so willing and able to love....and so absent the love of another....has to be the heaviest cross I have bared throughout my entire life. I wonder is it better to feel nothing at all?

______________________

Take me with you
to that place you go
Where no one visits
and few have known
A place of secrets
and chosen cares
A world inside you
that no one shares
Your heart so guarded
like a fortress it seems
You let no one get closer
give no one the key
I see what awaits me
and like a fool I still try
This solitary man
does no wrong in my eyes
I long for his tough
to glimpse what lies inside
I fight indecision
I swallow my pride
Yet all that I do
and all that I say
Means nothing to him
for he's happy this way

But still my heart aches
for this man that can't give
Who refuses to love
yet still thinks he lives
I wish he would take me
to that place that he hides
Wish I was special enough
that he would let me inside
But the truth is unkind
and things aren't what they seem
Reality strikes -
and destroys all my dreams
For the passion I felt
and the heart that I shared
Was given all to a man
who in turn, never cared...

Space

I'm giving him "space" - whatever that is....

So he won't feel the pressure of my need
the urgency of my want
won't have to check in -
or leave me with his itinerary -
No, I'm giving him "space"
so he can come and go as he pleases
walking in and out of my life
as randomly as he wants
here one day - gone the next
leaving his impression, his scent, his feel...
hanging on me

I can not shed his presence
in his absence he remains
- consuming my thoughts
- this flame still burning
and yet, I give him "space"
..to simplify the means
take it slow, options opens
...to control the game

All the while I spend wondering
where are and what he could be doing -
while I replay our moments...
over and over, in my mind

longing for his call,
a sign
anything to say I've finally crossed his mind...
waiting, without patience
as I afford too much
sitting lonely in my room
with nothing but thoughts of him...
and the memories of his touch
...that grip my heart
and stir my spirit -
there is no escape from him
everywhere I turn
- he is in my space.

Crazy Gypsy

I think I’ve written this blog before. Or at least a version of it. Back in 2007 it was titled, “Haters, Naysayers and Malcontents.” The big difference these days is that I seem to have eliminated most of those types of people from my life, which I’m thankful for. Toxic people and especially passive-aggressive and overly judgmental people are the worst. Mind you, I’m not such a hypocrite that I don’t realize I judge people as well, however I somehow think it’s better to judge LOUDLY and openly, rather than keep that shit to yourself and let it fester or even worse – leave people not knowing how you feel about something. I’m pretty content with people knowing how I feel – whether they like it or not. I’ll take a heavy dose of hurtful truths over comfortable lies and hidden contempt any day.

So where am I today and what exactly is my truth? Well…there begins (or rather continues) the story of this “life less ordinary.” Funny, my cousin Jennifer’s boyfriend (who I’ve only met on one other occasion) said to me today, “oh yeah, we’ve met, you’re the crazy one” while we were visiting my Grandma Anne in the hospital. YES. I’m the crazy one. Marginally crazy. Safe-around-children crazy. Sometimes situationally crazy, or maybe just silly crazy or fun crazy or not afraid what anyone thinks of me crazy. Legally speaking, 33% crazy if we’re being technical and going off the Workers Comp report….but also 100% crazy fucking awesome. And you can take THAT to the bank. I’ve learned to embrace the term “crazy” because at this point in my life – I’ve been described as crazy more times than I can count. Usually by judgey people whose lives I would never want to trade places with. So what if I bought a tiny house on wheels and plan to travel the country with my 2 cats for a year? Sounds pretty rad to me….and to most people who aren’t so terrified of the unexpected and the out of the ordinary that they stay tied to their predictable, routine, and all too often regrettable lives. Stuck on the hamster wheel of life…and not going anywhere. I will never be that person. And today, I’m deeply thankful for that.

I used to want to be married and settled down so badly. I tried and tried and tried to make it work with my ex’s. Thinking that if I did everything I was supposed to do, loved them, accepted them, tolerated them, spoiled them, settled for less than what I deserve because it was for the “good of the cause” – it would be enough. It was never enough. For many years I believed I WAS NEVER ENOUGH for them. However, after 3 engagements with no marriages, countless romances that didn’t work out and multiple broken hearts – I finally understand that it wasn’t because I wasn’t enough for them – it was more that what they offered was never enough for me. And once again I’m reminded of a past blog, “The Butterfly Effect” – you see, I’ve always been this way deep down. There’s something great to be said about consistency. And Shannon Reece is nothing if not consistent. Some may say I’m consistently an asshole, but that’s a shallow and superficial assessment that I know is inaccurate. I’m only an asshole on the surface…. Bahahaha. Underneath I’m a sweetheart of a gal who’d do anything for my friends and gives far more than I ever expect to receive. (Thank my Mother. She’s like Saint Fucking Dawn and hers are big shoes to fill when it comes to selflessness). Holy hell…. I think this whiskey I’m drinking is making me toot my own horn a little too much and even I think I sound like a complete asshole right now. Moving on….

My Tiny House on Wheels (do you all know the term by now? Can I pleeeeease refer to it as a THOW now? Thanks) will be done sometime in May at which time I will fly my Gypsy Wanderlusting ass (lots of lusting lately…but that’s for paragraph 6) up to Oregon and pick it up. I KNOW. I KNOW. I don’t have a truck. But I’ll get one…these are not difficult problems to solve people. I have a credit score of like 710…I’m good. Bahahaha. I may be poor and living on $4k a month, but years of making good money has left me with excellent credit! Thanks Law Enforcement. And I was fortunate enough to have my babies when I was a baby, so they are adults now who are self-supporting. Other than the cats, I don’t have to be responsible for anyone else – how cool is THAT? I don’t have many of these years to enjoy, no one really does. Aren’t we all just one tragic accident, one cancer diagnosis, one parent becoming ill, one unexpected event away from our lives changing to something we have no control over? We are. I know it. I am thankful every single day for the life I have and know full well how quickly it can all change. I have been through those trials before and weathered the storms that life always brings. And I can honestly say I am better for it. I have such a rich appreciation for what each day brings….be it laying in bed all day and doing nothing or spending time with friends or galivanting off to some remote hot spring to tune the world out for a few days and get in touch with myself. I have been blessed and I will never take a moment for granted. (FLASHBACK! One time a nice man I was dating wrote me a letter and misspelled “Granted” as “Granite” and I totally ripped him apart and judged him. What a total dick I am. However, in the interest of reality…he was in his late 40’s and looking to get married and have kids ASAP and I was NOT looking for that….so his sappy love letter was rightfully rejected, and I gave him the boot. Poor spelling and grammar aside, we were not well suited. He then met a nice woman, married her and quickly had two kids. See? I know what’s best for people…even when they don’t.)

OH MY GAWD. I’m looking at Neville the Cat laying next to me right now and I shit you not…he’s the most amazing creature to ever walk the earth (NO, I’m not high). I need to take a picture…but my damn phone is hooked up to my Bose speaker and I’m listening to the BEST playlist. Ever wonder why I don’t answer some of your calls? It’s because when my phone is plugged into my speaker and the tunes are on…. I’m basically in a musical trance and can’t be bothered by calls. Music fills my soul…. like nothing else. OK, maybe like my love for Neville the Cat, or mind-blowing sex, or being in love (they can be mutually exclusive btw)…but lordy lordy I love me some good music. Chris Cornell is currently singing, “I am the Highway” and then hopefully the shuffle feature plays some Michael Kiwanuka who I am currently obsessed with. Look him up my gypsy, soulful brethren…you will thank me.

OK…on to the juicy stuff. Comparable to bikini selfies…. for you pervy voyeurs who are always interested in my “Shannanigins.” So, check THIS craziness out…. does anyone recall when I said that 2018 was going to be the “year of YES”?? (As you Shannonbookers may remember, 2017 was known as the “year of travel”). WELL…. funny thing, I thought the year of yes meant I was going to be saying yes to lots of illicit activities with men that are way too young or otherwise unsuitable for me. Turns out 2018 is about saying yes to what I want…. which is not necessarily getting naked with hot young (or older) men. It’s truly odd and at the same time empowering. #metoo (just kidding! No one harasses this chick without living to rue the day). I’ve had some fun and interesting encounters with men this year. For those who recall that poor guy that got put on blast on Facebook Live for being a huge vajayjay…. hahaha. After that unfortunate incident, I decided I’m not about to settle for such nonsense again. So, “younger and hot” is no longer a search criterion. I have vetted and already dispo’d several guys that I was interested in…. but I don’t feel sad or disappointed. I feel like I’m listening to my inner self….and she is not interested in anyone’s nonsense or excuses or BS at this point. Like I said…life is oh so short. SO…. I’m flying up to Central Cali this weekend to meet up with a guy I’ve never met. He’s a nature freak like me and is into Tiny Houses and that Gypsy life. Now, he COULD be a serial killer, but I don’t think so. And if he was he’d be a ’la Ted Bundy (who was kind of hot right?). I’m not scared. It’s gonna be a blast! Hiking and adventuring with a hot stranger sounds fun. Don’t worry I did the requisite Google searches and have found nothing alarming about his background. And my top 3 assassin girlfriends have his personal info in case I turn up missing. What’s life if you don’t take chances? It could be epic…or it could be just a fun weekend. There’s no way it’s not going to be awesome, of that I’m certain. Carpe Diem my friends, Carpe Diem.

And just like that…. Van Morrison hits the playlist with “Into the Mystic.” Yesssssss. Rock my Gypsy soul….

Depression: (Catchy title eh?)

Happy Veterans Day.

Though I’m guessing many Vets feel just as much angst as they due pride in this holiday. Celebrating Veterans is awesome and makes for great holiday weekends, that is, when they return home from deployments and are here to celebrate with you. Not quite such an uplifting and proud Holiday when your beloved Veterans are resting 6 feet under in Arlington.

This isn’t a blog about RJ or Kaila, but I guess that’s where we start.....

I’ve been in a funk ever since I visited Emily and Kaila in Tennessee a few weeks ago. At first I thought it was because I was sick, then it was the guy I’m dating was being retarded, then I thought it was general sadness at Kailas life since RJ was killed...I guess I still haven’t figured out the catalyst for this current “funk” I’m in. Each thing individually is nothing new, nothing unusual, and yet I feel an overwhelming sadness each day that I can’t pinpoint the cause of. Then it finally dawned on me....

I stopped taking an anti-depressant back in June/July of this year (I tapered off, relax weirdos I know how to go off meds). I’d been on a low dosage (30 mg of Celexa then Cymbalta for you nosy motherfuckers) for about 5 years. I had tried a few different times to stop taking them and crashed HARD. At the time I was still working as a cop so when I crashed I immediately thought, “WTF are you doing you retard? You need MEDS to deal with this shit everyday....” and started back to taking my pill every morning. Well, I figured since I’m retired and my life is all unicorns and rainbows now, I probably could do without that “happy pill” everyday. However now I’m starting to think perhaps this is some weird Reece genetic condition that I’m pre-disposed to - and no amount of road trips, quite time, or good deeds is going to mitigate my needs for medication to control these onslaughts of “the blues.” Which is a HUGE fucking bummer. Because I really don’t like meds.....

So here I am. With a life that I am exceedingly grateful for....wonderful friends, good pension, healthy children, decent looks and health (I’m vain so that shit is important to me...don’t judge)...and yet I can’t shake this feeling of emptiness, loss and sadness. It’s really quite pathetic and without good cause. Yet it remains....a feeling of longing...for something I can’t quite attain. I don’t even really know what it is anymore - which is (to me) even sadder than then predicament itself. WTF am I missing???? I spent 2 hours today rambling along a trail near my house listening to country songs and wondering what the fuck did I even WANT from life? Some days I have an answer to that question but on days like today....it’s a mystery.

Thanksgiving is around the corner and Emily and Kaila will be here so I will be busy, which is good. HOLY HELL, it’s my birthday next week which I’m not even thinking about....47 can eat my ass for all I care. (insert FUCK YOU emoji). But once Em leaves I’ve planned a trip to NorCal to do some solo camping/hiking....because somehow being alone makes me feel sad and content all at the same time. I’m going to try to see my therapist again in December, because she’s wonderful and maybe I’m not as “out of the woods” as I thought I was. I honestly don’t know if my depression is PTSD related or some horrible genetic trait....but I sure am paranoid and think a whole hell of a lot of how I’m going to defend myself (and everyone around me) against threats......so I’m thinking the “hyper-vigilance” is more PTSD related. Ugh.....so many issues to tackle. When does life get easier? Maybe at 48. Fingers crossed.

On a GOOD note...I haven’t seen any dead people or near-dead people in like 2 years....so hey, there’s always THAT. Oh, and then there’s the wonderful byproduct of being unmedicated, in your prime - and horny all the damn time. Thank you Nurse Shelly for making me realize that the reason I’m so flipping horny these days is because I’m OFF antidepressants.....what a fucking TREAT. Ugh. I need a third drink....

Fuck off you Judgy McJudgersons....

and good night.