Chronic pain, and the crazies.

I think it's been going on for about a month now, my inability to sleep. I can't actually recall when it started, but I gage the onset based upon certain memories I have. Memories of arguments, or events, or conversations, or thoughts following conversations....that always leave me feeling exhausted, and remind me that I haven't slept a full night in as long as I can remember. My thoughts have always been somewhat fluid - melting from one train of thought to the next, usually with a clear path of understanding on how I got from thought A to thought B. But these days, my thoughts are completely disjointed. I can't determine how or where they come from, why they occur, what they mean, or whether or not they are valid or manufactured by my brain for no apparent reason other than to drive me totally insane.

I've never experienced chronic pain until my disc ruptured back in March. I've had back pain for nearly 10 years, and it's been very bad at times, but this - this is a totally different animal. Pain medications don't help, muscle relaxers don't help, getting drunk doesn't help - there is no break from this. I suppose I should feel lucky that it's not debilitating back pain at this point. The acuteness of the pain has worn off, and given way to a constant numbness in my right leg, and a continual inability to sleep more than an hour or two at time. At least when the pain was acute and agonising, I could stay so doped up on pain meds that the days just blurred one into the next until that excrutiating pain was finally gone. But the meds do nothing for this numbness, and this sleeplessness, except make me feel sick from taking them. I even tried alternative medicine - hoping for relief. No such luck. Just more sickness.

I lay down to sleep, and I toss and turn. I wake up every few hours from the tingling in my leg, and can't go back to sleep. This has gone on everyday for at least 3 weeks. Coupled with the constant stress of my impending surgery, the fear of wondering if it's going to be succesful or not, the dread at the thought of it not being succesful, the realisation that my personality is absolutely gone - and I have become a miserable, irritable, paranoid, zombie of a human being to everyone around me. I'm thankful my girlfriends haven't abandoned me yet, although I'm trying to keep my distance because even I can't stand to be around me these days. Poor Daryl, having to live with me in this condition. I wish I was my old self again, I feel so very vacant. Self loathing is a horrible frame of mind to be in, and it weighs me down like a 100 lb weight.

The other day I tried to remember a recent conversation I had with someone - an important conversation, that had great meaning to me. And for 30 minutes I lye in bed, trying to recall who I had this conversation with. It brought me to near hysteria - not remembering. I could recall the words I said, but not to whom I was speaking. Finally, after 30 minutes and then looking through my calendar to see who I've spent time with, I finally remembered where this conversation took place, and with whom. Sleep deprivation is no joke, it really isn't. There is a good reason it has been used as a means to torture prisoners of war. I feel I'm going insane some days - and whole days, weeks even, have gone by with little or no recollection of where I've gone, who I've spoken to, or what I've said. I look back and read some of my emails to people, and I recognise the words as my own, but the catalyst for sending these emails - I can't even remember what it was. I look crazy to people around me, and having my fractured thoughts continually spinning out of my control is taking a heavy toll on me and my loved ones.

I have family court tomorrow with the boys father. It's been scheduled for a month now, and I just remembered today that it is tomorrow. Yet even though as I'm writing this, and I know it's tomorrow, I'm still afraid I'm going to forget in the morning and miss it. That sounds implausable, but it's not. I don't remember so much lately, I don't even know how I'm getting through every day. Auto pilot I suppose.

I'm hoping, praying even, that this surgery works - that at the very least, I'm able to sleep again. I can't live with chronic pain, no matter how minor it is. I want to stab myself in the leg and hip to tear out the offending muscles that are in spasm. When I wake up and can't go back to sleep and my brain is working in overdrive, I want to gouge out my eyes put my head into a vise grip. I can't go on without sleep, and peace of mind, it's killing me. As soon as this surgery is over and I can take medication again, I will be looking into something to help me sleep. I feel just like one of those creepy zombie characters in the horror movie, "The Crazies" - and if I don't get some relief soon, I don't know what else to do. I can only hole up in my house for so long and avoid people, so they don't have to witness what feels like is my descent into total madness.

This has GOT to get better. Soon.

The loneliness of clarity.

40.

As the milestone birthday approaches, I find myself at a perplexing crossroads of life; a place that gives me the comfort of hard earned wisdom, and at the same time, leaves me feeling as though I am too clear to ever be a fool again. About anything. The verses of so many previous writings run through my head, tiny snippets and threads of my life thus far, which remind me that I'm no stranger to feeling isolated.

One month, two months, 6 weeks....how long do I give myself with someone before the silence of what we don't say proves to be too much. I've known love, and passion, and true intimacy. So a convenient partnership feels...well, fabricated. And empty, and sad, and disappointing. And not something that I can stomach without feeling like a huge fraud. Feeling like every other person I know who looks longingly at couples in love, and wishes they had that same spark in their eye. Instead of merely passing time, counting time, moving through time....and perhaps even wasting time. On this day, I do not know. Am I wasting time - or is this exactly where I'm supposed to be in life? Questions that clarity make difficult to answer, if only because the answers are hard to take. The reality often times lonelier than I care to admit.

Me.

Current mood: vibrant

So...here is the deal....been a cop for 13 years now, first with LAPD, now with another agency. Worked patrol for 10 years, got my fill and went to Detectives (love it!). Currently investigating sexual assualts and Internet Crimes Against Children (hence, the large amount of time I spend online). Love this assignment, although it is very overwhelming at times. Lots of pervs out there, not enough time to get them all. I'm required to look at alot of very nasty stuff on the internet, most of which is pornographic. After a while, it begins to warp your brain a little. I'm trying to keep a normal, healthy perspective on things....as much as I can. Although, sometimes.....I feel a little more left of center than most.
As far as my work goes - I absoutely LOVE my partners and co-workers - I consider them family and would do anything for them! I however, do NOT like to mix my business and my personal life...bad idea. To quote my favorite D.I. in the academy, "you don't get your meat, the same place you get your bread." Very solid advice. Causes nothing but problems. Hence, the more often than not, "tragically single" aspect of my life. Never meet anyone local except suspects, and co-workers it seems....and neither is an option.
I have many friends, though few are part of the "inner circle." Jennifer, Sandy, Vicki, Lisa, Carla, Nicole...these girls know me better than most, and understand what moves and motivates me. Everyone else is probably confused by my multi-faceted personality. Here are some random factoids about me and my personal views....
I'd say I'm fiscally and governmentally conservative, but lifestyle liberal. Love the U.S.A, but think it's a little too enabling sometimes. I'm all for welfare reform and doing away with the spoiled sense of "entitlement" that many citizens have. Support our Pres, registered Dem, but sometimes vote Republican. Believe in Obama in 08! Miss Bill Clinton and the days when all we worried about was his infideltiy. I'm pro-choice, pro-death penalty, but think both are a horrible solution to our societies growing dysfunction and inability to police itself and act ethically and responsibly. Beleive in the theory of evolution vs. creationism. Respect everyone's views on everything - so long as they don't shove them down my throat. Wish every day that this war was over...but support our military completely. Have a thing for big hands, nice smiles, and guys in camo's or BDU's.
Prefer intelligent conversation over mindless banter. Love to cook for people. Think avocado's are the perfect food. Have been trying to lose 8 lbs for as long as I can remember! Haven't written any poetry in a few years, but have already written enough to fill an entire book, and have had some stuff published. Become virtually speechless at the sight of a beautiful sunrise or sunset. Am probably more grounded and spiritual than my actions lead people to believe. Beleive strongly in karma and in the old adage, "what goes around comes around." Beleive in love and marriage - but think people take them both for granted and often don't respect either. At this point in my life I do not feel compelled to be someones "wife" or "girlfriend" - I'm perfectly happy with my own identity. Am still somewhat unnerved and caught off guard when a man actually looks at me.
I'm convinced that character, integrity, hard work and compassion are far more important traits to posess than a large bank account or a higher social stature. Have met homeless people who have more class and dignity than some millionaires I know. Will call 911 on every suspected drunk driver I see on the freeway. Will stop off duty to help at the scene of traffic accidents, or to help old people load their groceries in their car. Can not tolerate cocky and arrogant people. Won't even try to compete with the hot 20-somethings - I'm comfortable with the woman I am. Can still party like a rockstar, then throw on a business suit and handle my cases at work the next day. Have the ability to fit into just about every social setting. Don't really care what your sexual orientation is or what religion you subscribe to - as long as you're a good person, and are open and honest with those around you. Don't care for liars or cheaters - or anyone who has unnecessary drama in their life.
Like to be the voice of reason in a group - but have been known to get really ghetto if the situation calls for it. Can speak fluent ebonics. Can dance like I spent my entire childhood watching Soul Train and every random breakdancing movie ever made (which I did). Am always dissapointed in the ignorance of people when they use racial slurs. Sleep with a teddy bear my son's gave me for Christmas 6 years ago. Think that the sound of my sons laughter is the most heart warming and satisfying sound on the planet. Know that if anything ever happens to one of my kids - they will have to 5150 me. Miss my Dad more than anyone realizes. Wish my Mom and I were closer, but have accepted the fact that we probably never will be. Have a brother I see maybe once a year. Wish I could take some time off and travel the world for 6 months. Love getting older, except for the effects it is having on my skin! Have made more than my fair share of mistakes in life, but have learned from every one of them....so I'm only getting better....
WHEW!!!!! enough about me......:)
c. June 24, 2006

Letting it go....

Current mood: Disheartened & Lost.

I guess I've always been this way, but lately it feels more and more like I'm the queen of "letting it go." No matter how hurtful the betrayal, how deep the insult, how callous the sentiment, how bad the heartbreak, how obvious the inconsideration or disregard for my feelings - I'm always inclined to turn the other cheek and just "let it go." Sure, I can be insensitive sometimes, some people would even say downright selfish. But my thoughtlessness has always been just that.....thoughtless. Never intended, never pre-meditated or thought out in advance....never anything more than just going too many directions at one time, and overlooking how my actions might affect those around me. Even if I may seem insensitive or selfish at times...it's never been my intention. Ever. Which is why it's so hurtful to me when those I love go about planning things that they know are going to hurt me. And never even bother to give any indication as to what's going on in their head, right under your nose....and behind your back.
It's water under the bridge, it's in the past, they didn't mean it, that's life, shit happens, I probably deserved that, it's my fault, this will blow over.....All too common expressions in my vocabulary it seems. Trite expressions that never fully wipe away the hurt and the heartache that is caused when someone you love overlooks your feelings and justifies their actions with whatever excuse or explanation suits them. And while I could try to discuss these issues with the people I love, I choose to minimize and dismiss my own feelings - so as not to put anyone on the spot, or cause them anymore discomfort than I already have. My hurt feelings are never as important to me as they should be....or very important to anyone else it would seem.
Maybe I do deserve some of what's been thrust upon me in the past year. Maybe I do deserve to be rejected by those people closest to me. Forget about the all-too-common callousness my own children wreak upon me. They're just kids (so I keep telling myself.) Forget about the dissapointment I hear in my mothers voice when I speak to her. We've never been very close (so I keep telling myself). But even my closest friends and confidants have no qualms about trashing me, and trampling all over my heart. Excluding me...or even worse, actually uninviting me - from everything from weddings, to holidays, to concerts, to birthdays, to the birth of a child. How bad a person must I be to garner such treatment? Or maybe everyone just takes for granted that I've always been willing and able to just blow this kind of stuff off.
Maybe it is partially my fault. Maybe I need to look in the mirror and figure out what I'm doing wrong. Why I'm always the scapegoat and the fall guy for every bad event and misinterpretation. Maybe it is just me. But I doubt it. And at what point do I say enough? Enough of always forgiving, and understanding, and quietly turning the other cheek and accepting these hurtful slights as they come my way. Enough of putting my feelings - my thought out, well intended, raw feelings, aside. At what point do I start holding those I love accountable for the pain they cause me? The way they always seem to have no problem holding me accountable. I just don't know. It always seems so much easier to simply let it go, or to take the blame for whatever goes wrong.
But these days, the more I turn the other cheek and try to just "let it go" - the more it feels like what I'm really doing is letting them go. Though I wonder if those people even notice, or care. Life moves forward I guess, people change, priorities change, the dynamics of relationships change. That's all very common. Such is life I suppose. But after years of constantly changing dynamics within my inner circle, I understand that recognizing and accepting these changes with careful consideration for those you love is a far better way of coping than pointing fingers, placing blame, and becoming exclusive.
c. September 3, 2008

Having kids

Here is the thing, if you read the other blog I wrote today, you'll know that I had some friends over this morning for b-fast. That got me to wondering about my kids (you can't see the leap in my thought process, but I assure you it all makes sense to me). Well, my good friends know me pretty well (I think). So they are probably not too concerned about my constant complaining about my kids and their disrespectful behavior (UGH - TEENAGERS). But it occurred to me that maybe some people wonder what kind of Mom I am - who's kids don't even live with her anymore, and who complains about them so much. Which got me to thinking about kids, and having them, and loving them, and all that kind of stuff.
And here's the deal with having kids (for those of you who don't have any yet):
Having kids is the most amazing thing in the world. You really can't describe the feeling of love that goes with it. It's not like a being super super in love with someone. It's very different. Kids are forever. Kids can act like total assholes, and say the meanest, cruelest, most low-blow stuff to you - and yet you would still throw yourself in front of a train if it meant saving them. I used to worry that if something happened to one of my boys - I would kill myself before living a life without them in it. I've always thought having two was a good thing, because if something happened to one, I'd have the other - to give me a reason to stay alive. But even then, if something happened to one of them - I would be so inconsolable - that I still can't imagine waking up every day without them on this earth. It's a scary feeling sometimes. Even when you don't see them - when they grow up and move away - you know they are there - they are doing their thing, and they are somewhere. They are alright, and living their life. Parents are supposed to die before their kids, that's the natural way. I think kids can't possibly love their parents as much as we love them - it's not the way it works. Their happiness is more important than our own - that's just the way being a parent is.
So while my boys make me crazy, and act like jerks sometimes (lately a lot of the time). There is still nothing on this earth that can give me as much happiness, as much satisfaction, and as much peace of mind - as being their Mom. One day we will be friends again, I hope. And one day - when they have kids of their own, they will realize what it feels like to care this much, and to have a heart so full of love that it aches every time they pull away from you....
c. July 29, 2007

The Butterfly Effect

No - not a dating blog. Not really. But here's the thing - as I sit alone on a Friday night, contemplating the various reasons why I can't seem to stay interested in any of the super nice guys I've dated in the last year for longer than a month or two, I've come to the conclusion that what these guys have been lacking is "The Butterfly Effect." No, not like that movie with Ashton Kutcher either...

You see, I'm daydreaming about the VERY few guys that I've known in the past that I would love to see again - to go out with again - to whatever again...and I realize that what they all had in common was that "X" factor. They didn't all look alike, and some of them I only met once or twice....but they all had that undeniable THING about them, that certain something that makes a person utterly intoxicating. I guess for guys it might be just as simple as big old boobs or a nice ass, but women are much more tuned in to the UNSEEN aspects of what makes a man attractive. And I'd have to say - without a doubt - the most interesting, irresistable, sexy, appealing, and engaging men I've ever known aren't the ones who have doted on me, or the ones who have been super hot, or have even been anything terribly remarkable to the average person. The ones I can't stop thinking of are the ones that gave me those crazy butterflies in my stomach....sometimes with a kiss...sometimes just by the way they looked at me....I can't seem to qualify what it was exactly that they did, or had, that gave me those butterflies...but it was always intense.

So there you have it....The Butterfly Effect. I guess being with someone that doesn't give me butterflies just isn't an option for me. Because then, all I do is think about how much I miss that feeling, and wonder why I am wasting my time with someone who provides nothing more than "convenient companionship." Which let's face it, for anyone that knows me...knows that has never been something I'm willing to settle for. Like is too temporary to suffer through a mediocre and unfulfilling romance. Therefore I refuse to do it. Like that quote from Steel Magnolias - "I'd rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful, than a whole lifetime of nothing special." So true, so true....such is my life.

So yeah....I think I'll be alone again for a while. Better that, than being with someone who doesn't inspire me, or provoke that sensation deep down in the pit of my stomach, that undeniable burning passion that makes everything else in the world pale in comparison....
ugh. God. I'm surrounded by machismo men everywhere I turn - and yet I'm such a GIRL it's pathetic.


c. August 31, 2007

Inspiration and Heartache

Inspiration and heartache.
I'm reminded of how much I used to write. Poetry, journal entries, letters. And yet....I don't think I've written anything terribly poignant in many years. I feel saddened that my life has become so hectic and matter-of-fact, so seemingly routine....that I have lost the ability to convey my emotions with lyrical and thoughtful words. I just dug out an old notebook and was surpirsed by my own thoughts and poems I had forgotten were ever even put to paper. And I'm suddenly struck by the fact that it may very well be better to be tragically passionate and vulnerable, than to be painfully in control and safe.
So here are a few of my past efforts in describing what it's like to be in a relationship that is obviously going nowhere....but not getting there fast enough. Dating someone who lies and cheats is a big bummer - especially with all the mind trip bullshit you have to deal with. Thank god I'm not the same person I was a few years ago....
Oh, and I thought I'd throw in a recent mind-dump and the police prose...just to show you that I don't always write about screwed up relationships...:)
2003
and so I find myself here - in the familiar territory of the past - over run with ghosts who are reminders - that love, it never lasts...
I feel the threat of heartache looming - the fear of failure once again - my belly aches with indecision - torn by suspicions that will not mend...
my mind reels with this reality - that I wish could be ignored - justification would be sweet mercy - but I can not muster it, anymore...
this place - I know it well - I wrote the writing on the wall - always hopeful in the beginning - only to suffer throughout the fall...
too many times I've travelled here - vowing each journey would be my last - too many times I've been destroyed - by lessons learned throughout the past...
so now I see the markings - I see the signs that lye ahead - slight deceptions, almost innocent - though they raise the flags bright red...
I stand along this roadside - of lilfe, which has no map - this road that leads me in a circle - and always brings me back...
A fool will live each moment - unaware of consequence - but I can be a fool no more - so love falls prey to common sense.
2004

Wrapped in indecision

And suffering my pride

Love slips between my fingertips

Falls limply at my side

Fools dreams - that are now memory

A solitary life

A hope that went unanswered

For wrongs I cannot right

Though optimism beckons

A cry for faith in loves sweet ways

This longing goes unrequited

For the price – I can not pay

A heart that goes unnoticed

A soul that bares its pain

Still lingering in sorrow

Still weeping – yet in vain

So I shall bear this burden

Of loss and of regret

Alone my heart will mourn again

This truth and consequence…

2005

Maybe is so far away

It's a ghost that haunts my heart

Maybe keeps me holding on

Keeps me wishing on a star

Maybe makes me lose my pride

It makes me gravel at your feet

It makes me think that one day you will see

That you could fall in love with me…

A thousand times I tell myself

This love it has no chance

The lies, regret, the loss of you

Is more than happenstance…

But this soul that weeps

That knows no peace

Is still foolish enough to believe

In forgiveness and in salvation

In the hope that one day

Maybe.

2007

chaos in my head
once silenced gears
that persist and grind
through hollow tears
those demons had died
- or so repressednow awakened and stirring
in this man-made mess
of confusion and thoughts
again I fill with this dread
unnerved by the questions
that creep into my head
futility at hand
but addiction stands fast
scattered thoughts feel like madness
- clinging ghosts from my past.

2003

How do you stay normal?

When you see the things we see

How does your life move forward?

With such visions of tragedy

The armor we wear it shields us

From the threat of physical pain

But our hearts go unprotected

Filled with countless victims names

How do we pull it off?

This act – so hard to follow

How do spend each day

So uncertain of tomorrow

With a shield and a gun

I play the heroes part

But a career full of heartaches

Can break even a hero's heart

How do I put this uniform on?

Its one leg at a time…

As I pray every shift

I can save someone

And victory might one day be mine.

2002

This wounded soul

Has seen too much

It's broken and bruised

It's cold to the touch

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This empty shell

Is home to despair

Where once there was meaning

It now just lies bare…

How many times can I lose myself

Before all hope is gone

How many times can I fail myself

Just to sing this tragic song…

This life is a circus

A game I can't win

I'm lost and alone

I'm dead from within

This heart that's so battered

This soul that's so torn

I'm broken, I'm beaten

Yet still, I go on….

c. November 4, 2007