I think it's been going on for about a month now, my inability to sleep. I can't actually recall when it started, but I gage the onset based upon certain memories I have. Memories of arguments, or events, or conversations, or thoughts following conversations....that always leave me feeling exhausted, and remind me that I haven't slept a full night in as long as I can remember. My thoughts have always been somewhat fluid - melting from one train of thought to the next, usually with a clear path of understanding on how I got from thought A to thought B. But these days, my thoughts are completely disjointed. I can't determine how or where they come from, why they occur, what they mean, or whether or not they are valid or manufactured by my brain for no apparent reason other than to drive me totally insane.
I've never experienced chronic pain until my disc ruptured back in March. I've had back pain for nearly 10 years, and it's been very bad at times, but this - this is a totally different animal. Pain medications don't help, muscle relaxers don't help, getting drunk doesn't help - there is no break from this. I suppose I should feel lucky that it's not debilitating back pain at this point. The acuteness of the pain has worn off, and given way to a constant numbness in my right leg, and a continual inability to sleep more than an hour or two at time. At least when the pain was acute and agonising, I could stay so doped up on pain meds that the days just blurred one into the next until that excrutiating pain was finally gone. But the meds do nothing for this numbness, and this sleeplessness, except make me feel sick from taking them. I even tried alternative medicine - hoping for relief. No such luck. Just more sickness.
I lay down to sleep, and I toss and turn. I wake up every few hours from the tingling in my leg, and can't go back to sleep. This has gone on everyday for at least 3 weeks. Coupled with the constant stress of my impending surgery, the fear of wondering if it's going to be succesful or not, the dread at the thought of it not being succesful, the realisation that my personality is absolutely gone - and I have become a miserable, irritable, paranoid, zombie of a human being to everyone around me. I'm thankful my girlfriends haven't abandoned me yet, although I'm trying to keep my distance because even I can't stand to be around me these days. Poor Daryl, having to live with me in this condition. I wish I was my old self again, I feel so very vacant. Self loathing is a horrible frame of mind to be in, and it weighs me down like a 100 lb weight.
The other day I tried to remember a recent conversation I had with someone - an important conversation, that had great meaning to me. And for 30 minutes I lye in bed, trying to recall who I had this conversation with. It brought me to near hysteria - not remembering. I could recall the words I said, but not to whom I was speaking. Finally, after 30 minutes and then looking through my calendar to see who I've spent time with, I finally remembered where this conversation took place, and with whom. Sleep deprivation is no joke, it really isn't. There is a good reason it has been used as a means to torture prisoners of war. I feel I'm going insane some days - and whole days, weeks even, have gone by with little or no recollection of where I've gone, who I've spoken to, or what I've said. I look back and read some of my emails to people, and I recognise the words as my own, but the catalyst for sending these emails - I can't even remember what it was. I look crazy to people around me, and having my fractured thoughts continually spinning out of my control is taking a heavy toll on me and my loved ones.
I have family court tomorrow with the boys father. It's been scheduled for a month now, and I just remembered today that it is tomorrow. Yet even though as I'm writing this, and I know it's tomorrow, I'm still afraid I'm going to forget in the morning and miss it. That sounds implausable, but it's not. I don't remember so much lately, I don't even know how I'm getting through every day. Auto pilot I suppose.
I'm hoping, praying even, that this surgery works - that at the very least, I'm able to sleep again. I can't live with chronic pain, no matter how minor it is. I want to stab myself in the leg and hip to tear out the offending muscles that are in spasm. When I wake up and can't go back to sleep and my brain is working in overdrive, I want to gouge out my eyes put my head into a vise grip. I can't go on without sleep, and peace of mind, it's killing me. As soon as this surgery is over and I can take medication again, I will be looking into something to help me sleep. I feel just like one of those creepy zombie characters in the horror movie, "The Crazies" - and if I don't get some relief soon, I don't know what else to do. I can only hole up in my house for so long and avoid people, so they don't have to witness what feels like is my descent into total madness.
This has GOT to get better. Soon.