Though I’m guessing many Vets feel just as much angst as they due pride in this holiday. Celebrating Veterans is awesome and makes for great holiday weekends, that is, when they return home from deployments and are here to celebrate with you. Not quite such an uplifting and proud Holiday when your beloved Veterans are resting 6 feet under in Arlington.
This isn’t a blog about RJ or Kaila, but I guess that’s where we start.....
I’ve been in a funk ever since I visited Emily and Kaila in Tennessee a few weeks ago. At first I thought it was because I was sick, then it was the guy I’m dating was being retarded, then I thought it was general sadness at Kailas life since RJ was killed...I guess I still haven’t figured out the catalyst for this current “funk” I’m in. Each thing individually is nothing new, nothing unusual, and yet I feel an overwhelming sadness each day that I can’t pinpoint the cause of. Then it finally dawned on me....
I stopped taking an anti-depressant back in June/July of this year (I tapered off, relax weirdos I know how to go off meds). I’d been on a low dosage (30 mg of Celexa then Cymbalta for you nosy motherfuckers) for about 5 years. I had tried a few different times to stop taking them and crashed HARD. At the time I was still working as a cop so when I crashed I immediately thought, “WTF are you doing you retard? You need MEDS to deal with this shit everyday....” and started back to taking my pill every morning. Well, I figured since I’m retired and my life is all unicorns and rainbows now, I probably could do without that “happy pill” everyday. However now I’m starting to think perhaps this is some weird Reece genetic condition that I’m pre-disposed to - and no amount of road trips, quite time, or good deeds is going to mitigate my needs for medication to control these onslaughts of “the blues.” Which is a HUGE fucking bummer. Because I really don’t like meds.....
So here I am. With a life that I am exceedingly grateful for....wonderful friends, good pension, healthy children, decent looks and health (I’m vain so that shit is important to me...don’t judge)...and yet I can’t shake this feeling of emptiness, loss and sadness. It’s really quite pathetic and without good cause. Yet it remains....a feeling of longing...for something I can’t quite attain. I don’t even really know what it is anymore - which is (to me) even sadder than then predicament itself. WTF am I missing???? I spent 2 hours today rambling along a trail near my house listening to country songs and wondering what the fuck did I even WANT from life? Some days I have an answer to that question but on days like today....it’s a mystery.
Thanksgiving is around the corner and Emily and Kaila will be here so I will be busy, which is good. HOLY HELL, it’s my birthday next week which I’m not even thinking about....47 can eat my ass for all I care. (insert FUCK YOU emoji). But once Em leaves I’ve planned a trip to NorCal to do some solo camping/hiking....because somehow being alone makes me feel sad and content all at the same time. I’m going to try to see my therapist again in December, because she’s wonderful and maybe I’m not as “out of the woods” as I thought I was. I honestly don’t know if my depression is PTSD related or some horrible genetic trait....but I sure am paranoid and think a whole hell of a lot of how I’m going to defend myself (and everyone around me) against threats......so I’m thinking the “hyper-vigilance” is more PTSD related. Ugh.....so many issues to tackle. When does life get easier? Maybe at 48. Fingers crossed.
On a GOOD note...I haven’t seen any dead people or near-dead people in like 2 years....so hey, there’s always THAT. Oh, and then there’s the wonderful byproduct of being unmedicated, in your prime - and horny all the damn time. Thank you Nurse Shelly for making me realize that the reason I’m so flipping horny these days is because I’m OFF antidepressants.....what a fucking TREAT. Ugh. I need a third drink....
Fuck off you Judgy McJudgersons....
and good night.