September 11th.

All day long I’ve thought about this day and what it means to me. This year I’m busy traveling home from Galapagos to Quito to LA...which is probably a good distraction. This day hits me like so many other first responders, HARD and right in the gut and heart. We remember the day in detail, where we were...what we were doing...who we were with....how it could have been US....

That day should have been one of the happiest in my life. I was flying with my then fiance (#2 of #3 for those who are keeping track) William to Miami so I could meet his parents for the first time. They lived in Miami where they had fled from Cuba when William was 9 years old. The plan was to get there, spend a week, and he was going to properly propose to me somewhere romantic - using the ring that we had already designed and bought. It was a replica of my Nana’s wedding set, nothing fancy at all - but it meant the world to me to have something of hers for my wedding ring. We were already living together at the time and got up at 0530 to get my boys ready to drop off at their grandparents for the week. As we got our last minute stuff ready to go and prepared to wake the kids, my Mom called and told me to turn on the news.

I remember sitting in silent horror watching what was happening in New York. The first plane had struck and our eyes were glued to the television for at least 4 hours. All flights had been cancelled, there was to be no flying to Miami - or anywhere else. But within about the first hour, once it started to sink in what was really happening, Miami became a distant detail of the day. Even if we COULD have flown out in the following days, there was no way I would have went. My heart was absolutely shattered. I felt gutted and sick and like hundreds of my brothers and sisters had just died a horrible, graphic death that we all witnessed first hand. All killed doing the one thing that we do everyday.....try to help people. I was inconsolable for the next week. I called work that day to cancel my vacation and ask if they needed people to come in. I was told to stay home and they’d let me know if they needed bodies.....they never did.

I watched the news nonstop for the following days. I cried more than I can even remember. I wanted so badly to BE THERE. To help. To do something....but I was stuck in California with a fiance who never understood why I cried so much, why I hurt so much and why I was broken by events that happened to people I didn’t even know. William wanted to still have a “vacation” - he wanted to go to the LA County Fair and the beach and all kinds of other things that I could not seem to wrap my head around. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything that didn’t involve being around my fellow law enforcement officers - because I felt that they were the only ones that really “got it.” I can’t explain it any better than that. For some things, tragedies especially, there is a bond that exists between people whether you know them or not. That was and is the way I felt and still feel - bonded to all the first responders in New York. Both those who were killed and those that are still alive to struggle and grieve and try to make sense of the day that ruined us all in one way or another. I guess the events surrounding that horrible day and the way it played out in my own household were the catalyst for William and I ending our relationship before we ever got married. We broke up 2 months later and he moved out. I just couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone who didn’t FEEL what I felt....and I felt and still feel quite a bit about those Officers and Firefighters who lost their life that day. Every year is the same....emotionally gut wrenching.

I’m fortunate and honored these days to know several NYPD folks and call them friends. Some were working that day, some came on after....but with all of them I feel that bond, that kinship, that I felt on that fateful day. I can’t imagine their heartbreak and their pain, and yet...I can and I do. These days I pray for them, and their peace of mind....and for what horrors are yet to come for them and for all the other first responders. It’s only a matter of time before another tragedy strikes us all. When that day comes I know I’ll be there again, ready to go wherever I can be of use, retired or not. That bond I feel will always be there for my brothers and sisters in law enforcement.....and for that, I am truly blessed.

For those who were lost.....and those who will eventually fall....until we meet again my friends, keep the gates of Heaven safe and Stay Frosty....

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Wandering: Sometimes you CAN go to far

So here I am in the Galapagos Islands, with little to no cell or internet service, a comeback case of Montezuma’s Revenge and an afternoon to myself. I opted out of the guided tour to the “highlands” to see tortoises “in the wild” – because quite frankly, I’ve seen a shit ton of tortoises here already and I don’t suppose that seeing them “in the wild” is going to exactly entail anything new and exciting about the species. Unless of course in the wild they have tiny monkeys riding on their backs while they perform jousting matches, now THAT is something I’d travel to the “highlands” to see.

I’ve got my fill of blue footed boobys, reef sharks, manta rays, giant sea turtles, all manner of colorful fish, tortoises, cormorants, wild dogs and marine iguanas on this trip. What I want now are plain old, every day run of the mill domestic cats. My own preferably. Yes, I miss Neville and Christian Grey…and I’m pretty sure everyone is tired of hearing me squeal with joy and yell ‘KITTY!!” every time I see a cat here. 3 more days….

What I’ve learned about this latest trip is this: It IS possible to stray too far from home. I like to fancy myself a gypsy of sorts, traveling about to various far off destinations – but this time I’ve realized there are places I don’t need to go. Places where English isn’t a primary or even secondary language top that list. It’s unsettling to be somewhere where you don’t speak the language – and no one else speaks yours. Communication is so important – and when you find yourself unable to communicate, you realize very quickly how much of a disadvantage you are at. Don’t even get me started on the driving conditions of other countries…. let’s just say the transportation infrastructure leaves much to be desired in Ecuador. What I wouldn’t give for some good old-fashioned California traffic – or even better – the long, winding, endless roads of the Scottish Highlands. Now THERE is a country that was pleasant to wander through. Take me back to those Highlands any day of the week…. wild tortoises need not be present.

This is the second country where I’ve gotten violently ill from some form of food or water issue. Thailand being the first. It should be noted that both Thailand and Ecuador have pretty unsanitary restroom and water conditions, hence the likelihood of contracting something nasty if you aren’t careful (which clearly, I was not). And while both Thailand and Ecuador are fascinating countries that I’m grateful to have visited, I doubt I’ll ever visit either one of them again. Nor will I be undertaking anymore “adventurous” trips in the near future to other countries that lack the basic requirements I need to have a good time: English speakers, WIFI, hot tubs, bath tubs, hot water, warm weather, good food and at least a decent selection of adult beverages. I don’t require much, truly. Even when I go camping and am off the grid – I’m sure to bring whatever I need to ensure I’m going to have a good time. Cold showers, crappy cocktails and no ability to communicate with the outside world make for a not so great adventure. I DO have my limits when it comes to “roughing it.”

Now, back to the lessons I’ve learned on this trip;

It would seem that I am in fact happier alone than amongst other people. This became very clear to me on this trip when all manner of insignificant details became almost unbearable to me. Loud music, crowds, people talking, people laughing, being NEAR or around other people…. honestly, it was just too much. I’m so much happier and less stressed keeping to myself, listening to my headphones and just basically being left to the thoughts in my own head. I find myself longing for the solo drive to Tennessee in a few weeks…nothing but quiet solitude for 2,500 miles. I’ll be in heaven.

I guess travelling the country in a tiny house on wheels with my 2 cats would seem to be the ideal future for me, eh? Hahahaha…. what a kook I’ve become. I told Donna I should change my dating profile to say, “no talking required” – since it’s inevitably whenever a guy starts talking that it ruins any chance I might be interested. For god sake, just SHUT UP and retain some mystery. If I wanted a chatterbox I’d hang out with my girlfriends. Wait…where was I? Oh yes, back to the dilemma of wandering too far....

I’ve got one more full day tomorrow here in Galapagos, then another night in Quito before I fly home. We are going to hike to some turtle bay here tomorrow and kayak/swim with the turtles. I love that. You know why? BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING QUIET DOWN THERE UNDER THE SEA. Turtles don’t talk. And they never do anything annoying. They just swim around all graceful like - with me swimming next to them, wishing I was Ariel from the little mermaid – and wondering why in the fuck she ever wanted to be “part of this world.” In fact, I just became keenly aware of the barking dogs and sound of construction that have been going on outside this hotel for at least the past 30 minutes. UGH. It really is very LOUD here. Once we leave Galapagos in a few days and fly back to Quito, I’ll have a full night at the Wyndham Hotel near the airport. Hopefully I’ll finally have some decent WIFI and can upload these jillion photos to my Facebook page as well as answer a shit ton of emails and send off a few resumes. Much to do…much to do….

I guess I’ll sign out now – though I realize I sound horribly ungrateful and bitchy. I’m very lucky to have visited this place, it’s definitely worth seeing. If anyone plans on coming here someday I’ve got some do’s and don’ts to fill you in on. Just ask me. Now I think I’ll watch some more downloaded Netflix – or maybe I’ll get lucky and can stream some “Outlander” episodes.