On days like today, when I've finally managed to slow down for more than 24 hours and quiet my brain, I wonder if the fast pace isn't what's saving me from myself and the thoughts that usually run through my mind. It's a scary thing, not feeling quite "right" these days. I don't feel like myself....whichever self I used to be. That party girl, crazy Shannon, isn't exactly accurate. I know, and those that are close to me know that persona is mostly surface stuff. Part of my ENFP makeup. But over the past 8 months the lack of routine and stability in my life has left me spinning like a top with no direction and very little to keep me grounded. I long for those days when going to work was fun, when vacations came only every 3-4 months and when I had something to do and somewhere to be on a daily basis. Now I mostly feel like I'm just running....constantly. From one place to the next, trying to put distance between myself and that life I used to know.
I used to feel like I helped people, everyday. No matter how insignificant my contacts at work were....I almost always came away feeling useful and validated. Now I don't know why i'm here or what I'm supposed to be doing....other than indulge myself on whatever whim or adventure strikes me. I'm hopeful that moving to Tennessee and staying with Emily and Kaila for a while will help ground me and remind me of who I used to be. Part of a family... Frankly, I'm too old for most of this shit. It's exhausting...and only fun 85% of the time. I'd trade in the feeling of "fun" for a feeling of satisfaction any day of the week. And I don't know that I've felt satisfied with anything in a very long, long time.
So I will take the rest of 2017 off to "find myself" and figure out what the next chapter in my life will be. At this point I have no idea. I have several options available to me given my skill set, but keep waiting for one to feel right and not just convenient. I want to feel passionately about whatever it is I'm doing...be it raising a family, being a police officer or being in a relationship. Who knows, maybe I WILL go to school and get a contractors license and start building tiny houses. Crazier things have happened. Someone mentioned doing private security and threat assessment for high end targets, but I couldn't tolerate working for some assclown - no matter how much money they paid me. I'd rather live in a small house on 10 acres in the hills of Tennessee on a medical pension and be able to tell assholes to go fuck themselves if need be. Now that I think of it, President Trump should totally hire me as part of his Social Media Team!! Hahahaha. I like his style. Rough around the edges....but I think he gets a bad rap. Kinda like yours truly.
Alright, I'm snowed in in Bryce Canyon Utah (ask me again WHY I thought a solo 3 week Winter Wonderland road trip in a Honda Civic across 5 states would be a god idea?) - so I think I'm going to throw on a jog bra and the most conservative pair of black undies I brought and hit the indoor jacuzzi. For the first time in the past 20 years there are NOT at least 3 bikinis in my go bag. I'm pretty sure I'm one of only 3 people staying in this huge resort this weekend, because you'd have to be half crazy to vacation up here during the off season. For the record, I'm only 5% crazy according to the QME.....hahaha. Only my CALI LEOS will get that reference. So off I go, to sit in the jacuzzi, then eat at the hotel diner, then back to my room to watch Netflix and hopefully sleep. I head out tomorrow on what will surely be more treacherous road conditions, flying by the seat of my pants as per usual. But hey, they are pretty cool Fjallraven pants, so there's that.
Great, I come to the computer room adjacent to the jacuzzi and see there are like 10 people in there! Back to the room I go...a hot bath will have to do.